Tips on Hosting, Space Balls References and Time Travel Between Weeks 7 and 8

Peeze’s Playbook

Week 9

By Paolo Della Rocca

This past weekend, I hosted my engagement party. Here are some things you need to think about prior to deciding if you want to host your own engagement party:

Everyone is going to have an opinion regarding all the choices you made. Learn to smile and mentally tell them to go “make gentle love to” themselves in your mind and always stick to what makes your fiancee happiest.
Making your own party favours and decorations is nice (we gave away mini champagne bottles with a save the date graphic that we manually affixed to and personalized beer bottles with a super-hero pun as the label with beer that I made for this party favour) will eat into all of your time. Don’t do it! The only art you should be focused on is scratching a cheque so that someone else will be stuck with the work.
Drinking champagne when it’s 40 degrees is a hard life. It gets warm quickly so you need to gulp it down like a catfish circling a worm. You seem to get refreshed while ultimately getting dehydrated. Also, they leave a mark when you drop them on your foot (even though you’re wearing fly assed oxfords). Luckily it gives you an excuse to keep hitting the kegs.
Your kegs will be empty after the party (what, you don’t have a keg fridge in your dining room? You’ve got to start living right).
Mom…relax it’s a party.
If you need a caterer, I’ll hook you up. Mine was a boss!
If you have people coming in from out of town, offer to pay the uber rides. It’s not free but neither is your time and you don’t want to become the official shuttle bus from YUL.
There will be at least one fight in a language you scarcely understand (this one may be specific to my situation). Why does Spanish sound so angry all the time?
Don’t stress the little things. They won’t go right anyway. Once the party starts you won’t give a damn about them you’ll be so focused on make sure the one you love has a memorable day.
Finally..don’t host at home… it’s a pain in the ass

Oh and one final thing, you won’t have time to release an article. Sorry about last week guys. Don’t worry. Additional content is on the way 😉

Week 7

Tropic Trickle

It’s not a stretch to suggest that Tropic Thunder’s season has not gone the way they would have liked it to. Quarterback Tyler Grondin has struggled and in his absence captain Alexi Dubois brought in FPF Jr star Noah Lachance to throw. Lachance took some chances and did turn the ball over three times. However, this was the best Tropic Thunder have looked offensively all season long. Bradley Parent caught 8 passes for 136 yards and 2 touchdowns in his second ever game in FPF.

On the other hand, the older, slower Pension Plan tried to control the pace and did so very effectively. Adamo Iadeluca had moments where he simply could not finish drives but for most of the game he was consistently finding the open recievers. Often it was the old reliable Junior Spera who was wide open. Let’s focus more on reliable and less on old. Junior predictably led the team in catches but also accumulated 70 yards on 4 catches and a touchdown. Giovanni Giammarella caught two more touchdowns in a 26-20 win over Tropic Thunder. All things considered this was as good as Tropic Thunder has looked all season. However, we’re also reaching a point in the season where Adamo Iadeluca has become fully comfortable in the Pension Plan offence.

Straight Savagery

For a man who’s not supposed to be a quarterback, Alex Noel did a surprisingly good job in the absence of quarterback Will Power. His throwing motion may be a little Dagenais-ian in style but, he got the job done. The leading receiver of the night was the occasionally timeless Peeze who tallied 8 catches and two scores.

Despite a valiant effort on the part of One Speed: Power, Savages would not be denied. Two deep strikes to Ryan Vanslet led to quick scores for Savages and that would represent two of his three scores on the night. While Ryan Vanslet’s play on offence was the most remarkable, it was Andrew Vanslet’s valiant effort rushing the mobile Alex Noel that allowed Savages to stay in the game despite being down two scores at the half. Finally, after they stopped One Speed: Power in the redzone the Savages got the ball back with 5 plays remaining. Quarterback David Lombart drove the field before a miscommunication sent an ill-timed double rush from the one yard line on the last play would decide the game. Snapper Olivier Lacombe found himself wide open in the front of the endzone for the game winning score. Savages would win the game 32-26.

Love Sacks, Hate Ties

Ties are the worst part of the FPF regular season, they are inconclusive and no one goes away happy. This was the case in a game between Les Amateurs des Sacks and the Bulldogs. For the Bullgogs, the Schwatz was with them (this is a movie reference and is not racially or culturally insensitive….relax 2018: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aVz1kBnIDd0). Quarterback Jordan Schwartz threw 4 touchdowns for his team while Jason Scwartz threw the 5th team touchdown. The greatest scoring receiving Schwartz was Evan Scwartz who scored on all 3 of his 3 receptions. Defensively, the counting stats were solid for Bulldogs as Jared Boidman recorded 2 sacks and the team tallied 7 PDs. It does make you wonder however, how the game would have gone if some of those PDs were ints.

For Les Amateurs des Sacks, David Lamoureux was lucky to escape the game with such a clean sheet. He had 0 interceptions recorded against him despite the defence getting there hands on a fifth of his pass attempts. Their star player in this game was Vincent Deschateles who scored 4 times in this game. Les Amateurs des Sacks was a team that we fell in love with early (the way they allegedly love sacks) and then we became somewhat disenchanted by the middle of the season. However, their their play steadily improving, they may be a team to look out for in the division E2 playoff (where I believe they will be placed). The one saving grace that this was a tie is that had this been the playoffs one of these teams would have had their season come to an end. When that happens it will turn into a veritable Schwartz measuring competition: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IjVatNQr-GM.

Week 8

You Make Loving You Easy

EZW have seen that division E presents more challenges than they bargained for when they first registered. With elite athletes, they thought that would be enough to carry them through some easy wins. I will say that, as expected the pair consisting of quarterback Jeremy White and Charles Olivier Lavigne have been dominant as expected. However in a game against Degenosaurus Rex and EZW Lavinge was held to 8 yards on one catch. Stepping up in his place was Etienne Laurence-Gervais who caught 2 touchdowns on his two receptions for 42 yards and Samuel Emilio Pelchat who helped moved the ball to the tune of 5 catches for 47 yards.

However, perhaps the greater suprise was watching the much maligned Sean Martin move the ball for Degenosaurus Rex. The degenerate king’s pivot used his shot putt motion to help move the ball in this 2HD inspired system (coach/friend Foti Evangelista is from the family tree spawned by 2HD and future HOF qb Joey “Tay-Tay” Taylor). Going 18/29 and scoring 4 times and thrown only a solitary interception is quite a good game for a quarterback who has had his issues this season. The accuracy still needs to be improved as reading in this offence is so simple it often involves completing a short pass to a wide open receiver and letting him gain the yards. However, despite the showing, EZW would go on to win the game by a score of 37-24.

Never Again, Mr Hurricane

Coming into the season I thought Dave Allen would have been the quarterback for Green Means Go. Knowing his extensive knowledge of the game and his FPF pedigree, I thought this would have been a good fit from the beginning of the season. When they added the talented-fireball throwing Sean Murderface Mudrosky, I thought this would work as well. However, with Division E receivers struggling with the heat and Murderface having exchanged his colours for stripes for a little too long, the experiment seemed to be all but a failure.

However, Coach Allen seems to have taken the reigns with a few games left to make their bid for the post season. Dave Allen was solid in his game against the U in week 9. He was methodical and intelligent and threw for 4 touchdowns with only 2 interceptions agianst his record in this game. The senior citizens on the squad (that is to say those who qualify for FPF’s 35+ division). Brian Martin, Lonnie Johnson and Karim Yasmine combined for 18 catches, 224 yards and 3 touchdowns.

It would not be enough to get beyond the U, who won the game 38-26. The U are as frustrating a team to play against. They adjust and they lear to zig when you zag and score when you’re lying on your face as they burn by you for a TD. Evan Frank, perhaps the most famous Frank since Frankenstein (seriously, look it up, there aren’t a lot of famous Franks), laid down the big hurt all over Green Means Go. His offence hit up the red light instead and Evan Frank put out a hot dog of an evening. Kyle Pedvis scored twice and has no scored 5 touchdowns in 2 weeks. Evan Frank and Alex Finklestein intercepted errant passes to allow for just enough possessions to quiet the uprising from Green Means Go. As Frank Sinatra would say, “ the U did it their way”. Well he said my way to be far. But they weren’t smashing cigars and single malt on the sideline so we’ll have to enjoy the reference by inference.

Time to Hibernate

Ok so times aren’t so dire for our Ursidae classed combatants. The Bruins are having their best season so far since the team’s inception. They survived Gabriel Wiseman’s ankle injury/first class recovery surrounded by some fine European Sows of the highest order. He has returned and is taking his place atop the title card of the Jungle Book and the team is doing well. However, Baloo looked a little more like an ordinary Bad News Bear when things were all said and done.

Rancerz decided it was enough! Enough of the questions about their claim to an FPF Championship. Enough of Peeze talking shit and enough of the Bruin assault on the division. Jeremie Ledoux, intercepted Gabriel Wiseman twice and Julien Gingras added another (where Gingras returned his for a score). The Rancerz held the Bruins to a paltry 3 scores and Jeremie Ledoux paced their offence for 5 offensive touchdowns. Bruins had no answer for Ricardo Desrosiers who scored 4 touchdowns after having a quiet week last week. Rancerz top dog returned to prevalence on the stat sheet in week 8 and the Bruins defence could do nothing but marvel at this performance. Jeremie Ledoux was also intercepted twice but stayed the course and made sure he would make the best of every other possession.

The Bruins left this game sore after losing the game 37-19. Yes Zach Zwirn did score and Nelson Pereira did have an impact on both sides of the ball (an interception and a touchdown reception). However, the menacing rushing effort by Maxime Ledoux had Rancerz howling and left the Bruins with a mere whimper in this game. This has been the book on Gabriel Wiseman. For all his charm, athleticism and knowledge of the game. His system can be disrupted and he lacks the arm strength to fit the ball into tight windows. He will be ready for a rematch if the season does play out this way. He is too smart to get ensnared the same way twice but it will still remain to be seen if Bruins can win a game where they cannot access their entire repitore. Sheesh, the bear reference game in this segment was empirically ingenious.

Power Rankings

Los Avocados (8-0): They’ve had to fight through adversity through most of their last three games. I think this makes them stronger and not a cause for concern.
GloGang (8-0): 6 straight games with at least 30 points scored. That’s playoff form
Rancerz (7-1): Max Ledoux has accused me of throwing shade. I still believe they are the third best in the division.
Fighting Flamingos (5-2-1): They’ve put the losing behind them and their resume is impressive.
The U (6-1): Kyle Pedvis and Russell Schwartz scored twice each to keep the U atop the divisional rankings.
Los Banditos (6-2): Their tougher game turned out to be a forfeit and they played Tropic Thunder this week. Hey, they can’t control who they play.
Guardians (7-1): Having EZW and Zone 6 Ballers on their schedule a after taking a loss to Los Avocados is no small feat. The Guardians left this part of their schedule 2-1.
Pension Plan (5-2-1): Most teams would have folded with their injuries compiling. Adamo Iadeluca looks to have Pension Plan rolling.
One Speed: Power (6-2): A lesson the last play of the game, with the team starting their third string quarterback who had not thrown a single pass prior to this game….is still a loss.
Vultures (5-3): Their losses have come to the U, Fighting Flamingos and Pension Plans. It may be a case that this team may only do well against teams when they are the favourite.
Ducks (4-3-1): Ducks have gone 3-0-1 over the last three weeks. Mat Domon has these guys playing at a very high level.
Underdogs (6-2): Underdogs have been one of the most interesting teams this season. Their last two games come against Number Juan and Savages which will indicate how strong this team really is.
Clinkers (6-2): Clinkers season has been pleasantly surprising. However, they’re 2-2 in their last four games. Perhaps this is worth monitoring.
Savages (5-3): A win on the last play in week 7 and then they took advantage of a chance to pad their numbers against a weak Oakheart team.
Bulldogs (5-2-1): I think the record may be slightly inflated but their last two games are against teams that are at the very least competitive division E teams.
Orsa (5-3): Far from refined but I will say that Antonio Spezia and his boys are fun to watch.

Top 16 – 8e semaine

By Marc-Andre Desaulniers

GloGang : Arno Desjardins et cette équipe seront extrêmement dure à battre en séries éliminatoires.
Los Avocados : Ils sont tellement focus, un esprit de corps à son apogée!
The U : Je vois aisément The U en finale, quelle robustesse!
Rancerz : Jeremie Ledoux est à l’image de son équipe, un guerrier et une attitude de gagnant!
Fighting Flamingos : Ils sont de retour dans une grande forme et ils ont la défensive la plus compliquée à lire pour le qb adverse..
Guardians : Lorsque Patrick St-Armand est dans un bon jour, il est le meilleur qb de la division.
Los Banditos : Ils affrontent Vultures et The U pour finir la saison, ils pourront démontrer leur sérieux.
Ducks : Renaud St-Laurent a élevé son jeu d’un cran pour mener son équipe à la victoire.
Clinkers : Quelle belle prestation de la défensive.
Pension Plan : Ils ont l’expérience et le talent pour tout gagner!
One Speed :Power : Une équipe très bien balancée qui va nous surprendre.
Vultures : Ils sont leur pire obstacle, leur talent est magistral, mais des fois le focus n’y est pas!
Underdogs : Solide performance après une défaite sur le dernier jeu du match.
Bruins : Je leur lance un défi, ils peuvent battre Glogang, let’s go!
Savages : Aller, deux victoires et vous avez votre ticket pour la E1!
Broken Ankles : Votre gros test sera lors de la dernière semaine face à rancerz.

Saturday’s Simple Syrup

Stop saying the NBA is trash. Stop saying you’re never going to watch again. That’s as empty a threat as saying your going to leave your woman when she’s so far out of your league! Statistically the NBA’s viewership has increased and profit margins have soared in the time of the super teams. Those who don’t like it are just butthurt that there teams are so poorly managed that they couldn’t get Bron or lure the inaccurately self proclaimed Playoff P or Demarcus Cousins. As someone with no allegiances, I enjoy the show. If you don’t and are concerned with it being fair, go watch tee ball while you think that the path to FairPlay is the imbalanced devaluation of player worth the tis a salary cap. In short…FOH.

For further info on this division and the rest of the league feel free to tune into Calling the Audible where Moe Khan, Simon Dagenais, Eagle at Master Control and GM Koletheras will discuss women’s wrestling, the 4 themes and 8 subcategories of country music and why 80’s and early 90’s action movies are the best and only cinematic achievements in human history! Tune in to the Facebook page for more info about the podcast. Please feel free to reach me @peezefpf on twitter or @ Peeze Della Reeze on Facebook to let me know about the various ways in which I was wrong.