The Goal Line Stand (Div D) – Week 6

 

I’d like to start as I rarely do, and talk about football. Because this time it’s important.  

 

In a Week 5 matchup the Knights’ Antonio Lanni was struck in the face by an errant knee during a routine play. Though accidental, it’s always tough to see a community member lose their season to contact in a non-contact sport.

 

I was shown a picture by team friend, perennial all-star, quarterback-killer, and now medical biographer Matt Kirouac of Lanni’s face after the accident. His facial lacerations, black eye, and far-away look make it seem as though a name change to Knights-of-let’s-do-some-coke-off-the-roundtable would be more than appropriate. We wish him a speedy recovery.

 

As for the rest of the league, the 6^th week proved to be somewhat laborious as St-Jean-Baptiste festivities were in full-swing. Teams either stumbled into the Lachine complex having more trouble than usual tying their shoe laces, or ran out the door immediately following their games praying local dépanneurs hadn’t yet closed for the evening (where else are we going to buy Gatorade?). On two occasions, team were not even available for gameplay – as their doctor’s notes would eventually show that they were medically diagnosed as hanging upside-down from their ankles ingesting liquids of an adult nature.

 

Only three winless teams remain (two of which are in Conference A North – setting up TCO for a very real possibility of finishing 8-2). The three teams which include Tailgates, Vikings, and Checkmate are relative surprises to be this far out of the playoff race at this point in the season as all are returning teams; the two latter having enjoyed previous success. Though certainly disappointing for these teams, two positive outlooks on the situation is the existence of parity within the lower divisions as well as a forgiving Winter 2013 schedule (unless you believe in that 2012 end-of-the-world stupidity bukkake. In which case you’ve officially screwed up your last chance at happiness).    

 

G.M. Kolethras is joining me in studio this evening along with Daron Basmadjian to record a special edition of Calling the Audible to be released sometime later this week along with the regular weekly edition (featuring Lance Daniel and Kendal Mayers of #NoRegard). I suspect this is the night Kolethras confesses to actually being 4 people, 3 of which are just squirrels in silky brown bags – the only way to know as much about this league as he does is to multiply yourself. This is also probably the first night Basmadjian fires me for the ninth time. Tune in!

 

Weekly Recap

 

#NoRegard beat Rogues in GOTS

 

This was the Game of the Season for me, and it didn’t disappoint. The game was won by a single point and could have ended differently as the Rogues were stopped on an extra-point conversion with only 2 plays left to be played in the game. The top two teams in the league lived up to all the hype, foreshadowing a possible playoff rematch. #NoRegard won in no small part because of defensive talent Travis Moses (who’s apparently been playing football since his second trimester in the womb). One wonders what could have happened if cornerstone wide receiver Jamaal Gittens had had the opportunity to get some games under his belt before this encounter. This loss should weigh heavily on the minds of the Rogues; something teams in their upcoming schedule should fear. The only thing better than this match is going to be a second helping sometime in the playoffs. Please sir, I want some more.

 

Spartans Juggernauts

 

I have a riddle for you: A football leaves Spartans’ Nicolas Gendron-Vallée’s hand at 43 mph. You are on the opposing team’s defense. One of his receivers has run a route that leads him 22 yards away. How do you convince others that you were tripped at the line of scrimmage, and that’s why the play has resulted in a touchdown? I was awe-struck by the potency of the Spartans’ offense and could not help but be reminded of the one-time Division D The Incredibles. Their convincing victory over the All-Coholics suggests that maybe the Rogues had more than just #NoRegard on their watch list. Their next four games aren’t going to be easy, but they look poised and ready.

 

Pas si Affreux

 

TCO find themselves with their first loss of the season after having matched up against Les Affreux in Week 6. Before this loss TCO was 10-1 in their last 11 regular season games. Sometimes it’s good be woken up mid-season instead of in the first round of the playoffs, and this may serve as such a reminder if TCO chooses to treat it as such. The difference in this game, as it has often been, was a mixture of Mathieu Domon’s ability to run combined with a solid team performance on defense from his supporting cast. Matthew Bondoux’s completion percentage was held to a measly 23% – one of many stats in which he was held to season or even career lows. TCO needs to embrace this loss as a learning experience or get beat again by the Boozers whereas Les Affreux may be able to turn this into a winning streak against the Moose in Week 7.

 

By the Numbers

 

By the end of June everyone is fed up with numbers. But you know it’s for your own good. You’ll thank me in September when you haven’t forgotten your fractions and multiples.

 

1.695: Average interceptions this week.
144.3: QB rating for the Dragons’ Simon Dagenais.
5.36: Number of yards allowed per reception by Blue Mountain State. Least this week.
106: Number of rushing yards for Affreux’s Mathieu Domon. Averaged to 15.14 yards per run.
3.43: Percentage of dropbacks resulting in sacks. 
230: Number of passing yards for Moose’s (Meese?) Frédéric Morissette. Most this week.
3.07: Average passing touchdowns this week.

 

Power Rankings

 

The Power Rankings are nothing like my roommate’s power shakes. I’ve never once gotten diarrhea from reading them.

 

1. #NoRegard (6-0): The Power Rankings have a new champion.

2. Rogues (5-1): Still one of the best rosters in Division D, but will their loss affect them?

3. Spartans (6-0): The athleticism is almost erotic.

4. Boozers (6-0): Will win their division. But can they come out of the Conference?

5. Vis Motus (5-1): More experience combined than an NFL team. No, I have no idea.

6. TCO (5-1): Hiccup versus Affreux? Boozers in Week 7 poses a problem.

7. Affreux (4-1-1): Consistency, consistency, consistency, repetition.

8. Certified Flyguyz (4-2): What does Cédrick Charpentier have up his sleeve this week?

9.BlueMountainState(4-1-1): More horse testosterone here than on a ranch.

10.SeaAssassins (4-1-1): Calling the Audible made Evan Nolet famous beyond his wildest dreams.

 

Predictions

 

I went 7-6 predicting in Week 6 (the two forfeited games will not count) bringing my overall record to 49-23. I’ve been rather off recently, as my picks have seemed to be coming from a rather confused analyst. At least I’m not as confused as Dagenais who still thinks the WEPL is an Obama campaign commercial because of all the minorities on it.

 

C Difficile vs. Knights

Viking vs. Flying Comics

TCO vs. Boozers

Westside Connection vs. Sons of Cyr

Checkmate vs. Broncos

Tailgates vs. First Downers

#NoRegard vs. Vis Motus

Spartans vs. Tyrants

Dragons vs. Blue Mountain State

Marvels vs. Project Mayhem

All-Coholics vs. Certified Flyguyz

Affreux vs. Moose

Rogues vs. Eskimo Brothers

Stunnerz vs. Longhorns

Sea Assassins vs. Park-X Streets 

 

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Honestly, if I were you I wouldn’t believe this next part. But it’s completely true.

 

I came to my local library this week to write this article because the temperature in my apartment is right around Hell degrees. It’s approximately the right setting for some hot yoga (N.B. women will not believe you if you say you are a hot yoga instructor on Tuesday afternoons regardless of how hot your apartment is). And as any writer does – or should do – I look for inspiration in any place that I can. My basic writing scheme goes something like this: write a few sentences, stop, think, surf the net, write a sentence, eat, think, hot yoga, write a few sentences, more web surfing. All of this worked very well in the library except for the Internet exploration aspect of it all. I kept getting blocked by the built-in filter.

 

Andrew: Any way I can bypass the filter?

Librarian: No.

Andrew: But I need to write my FPF article.

Librarian: Huh?

Andrew: I’m writing a letter to your superior.

 

(But then I couldn’t because the filter blocked me.)

 

Apparently searching for the correct spelling of “bukkake,” the side effects of snorting cocaine, photos of the wildest St-Jean parties including the key word saloppe, and where to buy horse testosterone for human consumption is frowned upon in a public library.

 

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Thanks for reading and don’t forget to tune in to both Calling the Audible releases this week. I hope you had a happy and safe St-Jean-Baptiste, and I wish you the same for Canada Day weekend as well.

 

Until then, keep hitting the fields. And if that doesn’t destroy them, try some kind of ploughing tool.