The Goal-Line Stand (Div D) – Week 1

I’d like to begin by thanking Simon Dagenais for his article which has started off the year by setting the bar way too high.

 

You’ve officially ruined my summer.

 

For those of you who are new players, or perhaps just new readers (I mean to this article, not in general. Mind you, based on your e-mails, I’m not sure anymore…), Dagenais wrote a small segment in my article in French in what was my humble attempt at a league with more bilingualism. Now Division D has its own French article to complement this one. I was like Rene Levesque except without a street named after me.

 

… Or cigarettes.

 

I realized earlier this week that after two full seasons of writing articles that I’ve never really taken the time to introduce myself to readers. This is odd because, by and large, I take any opportunity to talk. In fact, no one even offered me this job – I just began writing one day. A few antihistamines, favors, and a black-out later, here I am.

 

I play for Conference B North’s Lockdown and have been for the past six seasons – this being my seventh. I have a degree in History, so you know my articles will be boring. Then I had the option to do my masters in unemployment, or to pursue something else. So I’m currently completing a degree in Education. I’m your children’s future high school History teacher. I’m sorry.

 

I’ve been writing for and speaking on the subject of Division 5 and Division D exclusively during my time with FPF. These are two divisions (D5 & DD) I consider almost identical except that the former is a subtitle in a legal document and the latter is an awesome bra size. This season adds a new dimension to the media coverage of Division D with the addition of a podcast that players can subscribe and listen to.  You can visit fpf.podomatic.com thanks to the support of FPF management, the work of my technical team, and the graphic designing skills of Checkmate’s David Della Rocca. I’ve always loved sports radio and this is my way of living out my boyhood dreams without the risk of getting arrested.

 

More info about the podcast and how to get involved can be found at the end of the article. Until then, let’s talk football.

 

Weekly Recap    

 

Next Round’s on the All-Coholics

 

The All-Coholics won their Week 1 game, and the worry around the league is that they may already be addicted to winohol. They’re a mix of ex-Outlaws players and newcomers. The team they beat, Project Mayhem, are the old Big Birds with some serious additions. Like Sesame Street for adults. Patrick Bouchard was at the helm for his band of drunks in his first season as an FPF starting QB. Bouchard was far from excellent, but sharp enough to win. On the other side of the field was Normand Bellemare – someone with two full seasons quarterbacking. His superior stats relative to those of Bouchard were not enough to win the game. A telling detail may be the perceived underuse of perennial performer David Daoust. It’s tough to say how these teams’ Week 2 will go, as most “science experiment” type teams are difficult to predict.

 

Boozers Beat Bruised Checkmate

 

What does it say about your division when the first two blurbs of the season are about teams whose names are direct references to substance abuse? That we know how to have a good time, that’s what. The Boozers won this game convincingly, despite the scoreboard indicating they were down in the first half. Bruno Pelletier threw 2 INTs in the first half that weren’t quite INTs. My hawk-like vision lead me to believe that the first was never fully possessed by the interceptor before dropping it, and the second was politely handed back to the Boozers by Domenick Bartuccio after even he didn’t believe he had successfully intercepted it. An underlying cause for concern are the injuries Checkmate is dealing with. With a few players already not making the beginning of the season due to injuries, Checkmate’s worst nightmare may have come true: they all went to school and forgot to put clothes on that morning. That may just be my worst nightmare. Anthony Carbone’s right knee buckled when he tried to plant on it and change directions during one of his trademarks scampers from the pocket. Does a lame Carbone mean a lame Checkmate?    

 

Stunnerz Stunned

 

These subtitles write themselves. The Stunnerz were one of only two teams to be shut out in Week 1. They will serve, much to their chagrin, as an example of what the veteran Tyrant defense can do. The Tyrants are a veteran team who rely on their defense as much as their offense – a mode of operation not many FPF teams employ. They’re proof that defense can win games in an offensive league. It’s nonetheless stunning that the Stunnerz couldn’t put up a point. Any team with Chris Olson on it should be able to penetrate end zones (lol). This is probably just a blip on the radar screen for Stunnerz, but not for the Tyrants. Look for them to roll to an above-500 season and potentially make some serious noise in the playoffs this season despite the relatively tough season.

 

Also, Brent Callender got an INT, but I don’t know when or how because I was nowhere near it.

 

By the Numbers

 

If you’re in the small percentage of people who care greatly about statistics (incidentally, these are also often people who do very poorly at team sports) then this segment is for you. My technical team takes the numbers provided by the FPF scorekeepers and runs them through a gauntlet of algorithms and other words that aren’t spelled the way they sound. What we’re left with is an in-depth look at the subtleties of the game illustrated by the numbers.

 

Here’s what I thought was interesting from this week:

 

Comparing key stats from Winter 2012 Week 1 to Spring 2012 Week 1 (32 teams both seasons)

Average QB rating: 72.31 | Winter 2012: 75.11 (Higher last season)
Average Completion %: 47.56 | Winter 2012: 48.78 (Higher last season)
Average Points Scored: 19.28 | Winter 2012: 19.53 (Higher last season)
Average Yards Per Rush: 7.74 | Winter 2012: 8.53 (Higher last season)
Average Sacks: 0.56 | Winter 2012: 0.6 (Higher last season)

 

Power Rankings

 

What do you do when life gives you lemons? You throw them into your enemies’ eyes so that you may usurp their position on The Goal Line Stand’s Power Rankings. This list is a capricious and presumptuous way of me deciding how good teams are on a sliding scale. Check this segment every week to see if your team cracked the top 10.

 

I felt that only 1 week of games wasn’t enough for me to make my arbitrary decisions. Once two weeks have been played, however, my verdict will seem less brash. Tune in next week.  

 

Predictions  

 

There is nothing more important than for an analyst to predict games and for him to predict them without error. In the past I’ve aired on the side of caution by only predict a pre-selected five games per week. Recently, friend and colleague (and self-proclaimed ethnic minority – he’s not, he’s Greek, they basically ARE the Western world) G.M. Kolethras called me out on that. To that I say: suck on this, Kolethras.

 

Dragons vs. Rogues

Project Mayhem vs. First Downers

Affreux vs. Stunnerz

Sons of Cyr vs. Park-X-Streets

Vis Motus vs. Broncos

Blue Mountain State vs. Eskimo Brothers

C Difficile vs. Tyrants

Vikings vs. TCO

Westside Connection vs. Sea Assassins

Flying Comics vs. Boozers

All-Coholics vs. Speed Demons

#NoRegard vs. Checkmate

Marvels vs. Tailgates

Moose vs. Longhorns

Knights vs. Spartans

 

*My picks are in bold.

**I don’t pick my own games, re: Pete Rose.

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I wanted to entitle this next section: Telling Dagenais Why He’s Wrong, but I thought that may not have been subtle enough. This is a segment in which both I and Simon Dagenais will debate a few key topics every week. We’ll do our best to disagree with each other, because as I’ve learned from my roommate and his girlfriend, it’s not true love unless you spend more time screaming than talking.

 

The Great Debate

 

1) Who are the “big teams” in Division D?

 

You can’t answer this question without talk about the Rogues. Just look at their roster, they’re built to win. Kevin Lubin is a perennial all-star and his supporting cast is just as good. If this team doesn’t do well, it won’t be due to a lack of talent. Another easy choice is #NoRegard; they’re as much fun to follow on Facebook as they are to watch play football. Their individual talent rivals that of any young team. Their strength may be their weakness, however, as a constant man-defense has its flaws. The Boozers were a great team last time around and there’s nothing to suggest otherwise. Their physical size combined with above average football ability and hard-running QB will see them likely win their division. Dagenais is wrong to put teams like the Tyrants, Affreux, and Park-X-Streets into this upper echelon of teams, as they are more aptly inserted into the very strong second tier teams.

 

2) How will this season be different from others?

 

This season will be exponentially more incredible. With the addition of a second Division D article in French, and therefore someone to have these kinds of debates with, players will have for the first time an expanded media experience. Moreover, the Calling the Audible podcast that I’ve been blessed with the opportunity to host will give Division D players yet another way to become involved in their own league. The only thing I can disagree with Dagenais on in this one is that I will likely never get a prediction wrong. Ever.

 

3) Should FPF add more divisions?

 

Hells yes. The more divisions the easier it becomes for teams to slot themselves accordingly into the slot they belong – plus I think the demand is there. But (and this is a huge butt) adding more divisions isn’t the answer to assuring teams are playing in the correct talent caliber. The only way to make sure of this is for teams to take it upon themselves to be honest with which division they would reasonably assume to have a record between 4-6 and 6-4. Selecting the division in which you’ll be moderately challenged but have a shot at 10-0 probably isn’t very ethical. Nor is it very sportsmanlike. Don’t put me in a situation where I get to select where you play. You’ll all be in A  

 

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Every season I manage to completely ignore certain teams for a panoply of reasons. More often than not, it’s because I simply know nothing about these teams, and making stuff up is only funny when it’s half true. So, please e-mail me at [email protected] with a short paragraph about who your team is, which players I should be watching, what your short and long-term goals are, and anything else you deem to be relevant. You will be graded on structure, grammar/spelling, and content.

 

If you’re a returning team, e-mail me anyways throughout the year when you have something to tell me but are too physically intimidated of me to tell me in person (it happens).   

 

Don’t just participate in the writing of this article, participate in the podcast as well. Send your questions, comments, and protests to my Week 2 co-host Paolo Della Rocca via Twitter @PeezeFPF. We’ll address as many as we can during Calling the Audible.

 

See you on the fields in Week 2