The Goal Line Stand (Div 5) – Week 11 – FlagPlus Football League

It’s the beginning of the end for Zellers. About a year ago, American retailer Target announced it was buying the brand’s leases and would shortly thereafter begin converting some into Targets, and selling the others off to other businesses.

It’s sad to think I’ll never again walk through my local Zellers, with its drab off-white lighting, disgruntled employees who seem more likely to have recently escaped from the senior centre across the street than be working there, and misleading neon sign outside that, because of its burnt out lights, suggest the store may be an underprivileged lesbian night club – “elle”.

Similarly, it is the beginning of the end of the Winter 2012 season in FPF. Round 1 proved exceedingly exciting as everyone had anticipated. The parity has made it so that even the 1 vs. 8 seed games were spectacles. I got so excited about the parity in our flag-football league that I ran it through a Google search and this is what I got:

Parity flag: In computer processors the parity flag indicates if the number of set bits is odd or even in the binary representation of the result of the last operation. It is normally a single bit in a processor status register.– Wikipedia

I don’t know when, and I don’t know how, but I can tell you all categorically that we’ve had a hand in this new definition. To thank Wikipedia, I decided to send them a letter…

Dear Geniuses at Wikipedia,

Thank you for writing all my essays for the past five or so years. FPF’s 5^th division would also like to thank you for including us in your vast library of knowledge. Now, because of you, our league and division will finally get the recognition we deserve. #NoRegard.

Andrew D’Anna

To which Wikipedia replied:

Dear user,

We have disabled your account due to reasonable suspicion that anything you submit to our databases of encyclopedias will be erroneous. #NoRegard.

Wikipedia Geniuses

—————————————————–

Weekly Recap

In Checkmate

After a long game of chess between Checkmate and Les Affreux over two well-played halves, Mathieu Domon and J.D. Joly flipped the board over and scored more extra points than their opponent. One of the key elements in this game was Les Affreux’s ability to limit Anthony Carbone’s run. He was held to just 16 rushing yards on 4 attempts; an average that is, by Carbone’s own standards, unacceptable. Checkmate now goes home after what could be considered a successful season. They were winless last season under the alias of Punch Panda. They’ll get the chance to begin looking forward to next season early. Les Affreux are glad not to have that luxury. They get Les Buddays next week.

Comeback Kids

I know that the title of this section would be better if they were the “Kangaroos” and not the “Coyotes,” but I don’t care. The Coyotes were losing late in the game and mustered up enough shrewdness, gumption, and moxy to steal one from the veteran Centurions. If any one of those three synonyms were missing, it may have spelled disaster for the wolf pack. After receiving some tips from unidentified sources, rusher A.J. Rashkovan put enough pressure on the Centurions’ offence that when it was their turn with the ball, Feder was able to feed Feder (say THAT quickly five times) enough times to win the game. The Centurions are now faced with the task of deciding which division to play in next season, while the Coyotes must begin strategizing for La Sauce immediately.

La Sauce est chaude

Any way you could have imagined this game, you knew it wasn’t going to be easy for Mean Machine. 5 of Francois Raymond’s 8 completions were for TDs. How do you stop such an effective long game? Don’t ask me, I’m 5’7’’. The 3 INTs given up by Mean Machine were simply too much for their defense to compensate for. No team can beat La Sauce if they give them three of their possessions and only force one of their own. Questions remain for next season regarding Mean Machine: will they reunite with old compatriots to form A-Squad, or is the split long-term? La Sauce now turns their attention to those wiley Coyotes.

Quarter-Final Matchups

Here’s a quick rundown of the upcoming matches on Saturday. Tune in to the WEPL to see an expanded version where I’ll be wearing a slick new polo.

No Regard vs. Mustangs du Gridiron

Key for No Regard: Their defense will have to be stout to win this game.

Key for Mustangs: Not to get discouraged if they find themselves down by a TD.

Prediction: No Regard by 6.

Coyotes vs. La Sauce

Key for Coyotes: Have a contingency plan in case La Sauce manages to shut down Josh Feder.

Key for La Sauce: Balance the long game with a steady rush from Francois Raymond.

Prediction: La Sauce by 8.

Thunder vs. J’s

Key for Thunder: Pick off Hai Minh Luong at least once.

Key for J’s: Call on their “big game” abilities – they always show up when it counts.

Prediction: Thunder by 2.

Les Buddays vs. Les Affreux

Les key for Les Buddays: Use their intimidating defense to force Les Affreux into long and exhausting drives.

Les key for Les Affreux: Stop Leandre Ethier’s rush the way they stopped Anthony Carbone’s and avoid a deflating long-bomb-type TD against.

Lesprediction: Les Buddays by 10.

—————————————————–

I find that usually during the playoffs, players are extra sensitive when I pick against them. I appreciate it greatly when they take the time to e-mail me, even when it’s to disagree with me or send a little constructive criticism my way. If I may make one small suggestion, however. Please be discriminatory in your use of the Caps Lock button.

Here’s an example of what people sound like when they use it appropriately:

Hello Andrew,

While reading the New York Times on my Kindle, seated comfortably in front of a fire in my den, I came across your positively smashing article about my upcoming playoff match. I do say, however, that I find it impossible to agree with your prediction. Mind you, I don’t disagree with it as much as I disagree with the state of my financial portfolio at the moment! Haha! Good times.

Enjoy your evening, good sir, and may a choir of sparrows wake you tomorrow morning at a desirable hour.

Sincerely,

Division 5 player

And here’s what you sound like with Caps Lock on:

HEY WRITTER PERSON,

U GONA B SORRY ABT PIKING ‘GAINST US DIS WEEK!!1 WELL SHOW U WHO IS GONA B THEIR IN THE FINAL.

,GOOD LUCK

DIVISION 5 PLAYER

SO SEND YOUR PLAYOFF E-MAILS TO [email protected].