Served With Ice but Consumed Lukewarm

Whales live a tough life. Most ocean life does. In fact, it is often said – by me if no one else – that we know more about our galaxy than our ocean floors. For some reason, it was common knowledge by the late 1800s that oils exuded by whales could be used to make lamps, candles, machine lubricant, and lipstick. The woman’s perfume Orca is made with Ambergris which is produced by a whale’s digestive system. This means of course, that there are two ways to retrieve this substance and neither is particularly enjoyable. Strangely, a 2.4-lb. piece of this washed along the shore in whales in 2016 and it sold for about $13,400 USD. So you could see who the whaling industry thrived in years before sanctions were severe.

This isn’t going to be a support Greenpeace piece and lord knows that anyone who truly knows me knows that I have said the following: “Vegetarians should eat chicken because without their consumption, they would be on the path to extinction.” My belief in this is grounded in the fact that the birds can’t fly, they can’t outrun my work partner’s 4-year-old son in a mall farm exhibit, and coyotes are likely lurking around every corner if one were to believe the documentary put forward by the Warner Bros. (He’s eventually going to catch the road runner and move on to easier prey). Instead I would classify this portion of my article as a “what the hell piece.”

There are certain innovations that are easy to understand. Wine came about when one gentleman forgot that he had several containers of grape juice and was undeterred when friends, family and his spouse urged him not to drink the beverage that had surely gone bad. He returned to tell his best friend, “Bruh, I’m ripped on this juice.” And then several slurred iterations of “I love you man.” Advil was then invented to cure the headache created by the then-unnamed, aged, grape juice. 

Those innovations made sense. However, who sees a whale and says, “Yo, let’s scare that whale into puking and we’ll bottle that and make millions.” I mean, somewhere between the grape juice and the Advil we’ve all had to vomit like whales. None of us have ever thought, ‘I wonder if this would make great cologne?’ For that matter, how many people died before we figured out which mushrooms and berries were delicious while others deadly? These questions, like many others, may never be answered.

I guess I should tie this into Flag Football. But it’s whale vomit, so I can’t.  Enjoy the article everyone.

 

Recaps

Division 1

Still Fine

So last time I mentioned that D-Boys vs. Montreal’s Finest is the greatest rivalry in FPF History I was called out by many Finest players. Most notably among this group was Kishon Thompson. However, anything that happened in the BP (Before Peeze) era simply didn’t exist, and therefore I do not acknowledge. Also, it’s a subjective determination. Also, I don’t really care a bunch about facts.

Montreal’s Finest gained a slight edge in the ongoing-yet-greatest-ever-rivalry, having won 32-31. A lot of the familiar names appeared on the stat sheet as Akked Moore scored twice, Pat Jerome added a touchdown, as did Micahel Harrington. One thing of course that was notable was Adam Bailey scoring his first touchdown in a Montreal’s Finest uniform.

With five plays left, Marco Masciotra ended a drive with a touchdown to bring the score to 31-25. Kevin Wyeth would not be outdone as he took two plays to answer back and take the score to its eventual resting place at 32-31. D-Boys got the ball back with two plays left; on the first, Masciotra delivered a ball that was juggled and dropped. This led the D-Boys to have to take a shot at an ill-fated Hail Mary and as such were not able to complete the quick comeback.

D-Boys put up a good fight, but without Jordan Maclaren they were forced to play more zone than they would have wanted to. The players that were in attendance did put on a show as Jamal Gittens caught 7 catches for 70 yards and 2 touchdowns, and Antonio Lanni made an impression on defense deflecting two passes. We will need to wait until Week 10 to see if D-Boys can even the score in the season series. Until then of course, both teams have a full slate of games that require their attention.

 

Dixie Kong Aroused but Concerned

DK took on Got-Skills in a rematch of the Division 1 Finals from last winter season. But this game took on a form that few expected. Quarterback Rochdi Benabdelkader seemed to struggle to find a rhythm and his elite receiving corps showed signs of frustration. The game began to turn when, despite an 18-13 lead for Got-Skills, snapper JC Mercille sent a wild snap that was not handled by his quarterback and the play resulted in a safety that would not only add two points to DK’s total, but would give the ball back to a team desperate to gain some momentum. Alex Pilon seemed to get DK back on track as he caught two deep balls and Benabdelkader began to get in rhythm. However, the team suffered a potential loss when the second of said deep balls resulted in an awkward collision, tumble, and multi-person landing between Corey Greenaway and the aforementioned Alex Pilon. Pilon needed help to get off the field and would not return to the game.

Despite the air being momentarily sucked out of the crowd and the DK huddle, DK managed to punch in a score on that drive. With about two minutes left in the game Anthony Vendrame of Got-Skills earned a taunting penalty for an exchange with Serge Pilon Jr. This would allow DK to start at midfield and DK would eventually score from with two plays left.

This left Got-Skills quarterback Nic Centomo with two chances to win the game. He connected with brother David Centomo to provide them with one last chance. Nic Centomo dropped back in an Aaron Rodgers-type effort and heaved the ball into the endzone on a Hail Mary. Patrick Chénard went up to make a play on the ball and ignored the age old axiom to “just knock it down” and attempted to intercept the ball and pad his stat sheet. The ball took some odd magic-bullet type bounces for which we wish Abraham Zapruder was in the crowd. In the end, the ball fell harmlessly to the ground and DK would hold on for a 28-24 victory.

 

Taco Supreme

I don’t really truly understand what makes a taco supreme over the traditional Tex-Mex treat. Perhaps it is that Tacos ability to throw for five touchdowns and run for another. This is surely the case for one such tortilla wrapped quarterback as Dan Lazarra posted a near perfect, 156.8 QB rating in his first Division 1 FPF game. 

Dan Lazzara is a confident dude. This was obvious when after completing a hook that would result in a 2nd and short attempt. Lazzara then took an ill-omened shot down field that bounced around unattended to like every one’s least favorite nephew at a kid’s party. This left him undeterred as he immediately struck deep again when James Ohayon split the safeties by ground and by air to make an absolutely jaw dropping catch. Rainmakers would answer on the next drive when Michael Chitiyat would score the Rainmakers’ first touchdown.

After a quick score and a 12-7 lead for Waste Yout, Ryan Kastner made a mistake that would turn the momentum of the game completely. Kastner threw a slant into a tight window, and after Justin Julien Jr. tipped it around a few times like a combination of pinball and hot potato, James Ohayon was able to secure the interception.

This would not be the only bizarre play of the day as Dan Lazzara, whilst trying to avoid a sack, took a Kobe-esque fade away toward the back of the endzone that was knocked around before it landed in the hands of Quaysie Gordon Maule, who had been planted in the front of the endzone.

The Rainmakers definitely had their moments – Micahel Chityat’s two touchdowns were joined on the stat sheet by a Teddy Frenette touchdown and a garbage time score by Lenny Dion. In the end though, the Rainmaker defense did little to contend against Lazzara’s continued assault that featured an efficient offence of hooks and slants. Many of which were to Quaid Johnson, who helped ice the game well into the day after tomorrow. Waste Yout walk away the victors after a 37-27 debut in division 1.

 

Division 2

#No Regard for Terror

One of the most interesting games of the week featured a team who started as one of the most hated in FPF but has since earned the respect of players and FPF media alike as they moved from Division 5 all the way to Division 2. I’m speaking of course of #NR, who in turn faced a team this week that are essentially FPF bluebloods (or orange or perhaps even grey in any case) in Terror Squad.

The game itself started in a way that would best describe its overall feel. Tam Vilaydeth completed pass after pass on the opening drive until he finally had one slip up as his first incompletion was, in fact, an interception by #NR defender Alex Ganter. This would be Vilaydeth’s one blemish, but it would set the tone for #NR that would indicate that they would not be intimidated, or terror stricken as one would imagine (ok I’ve got one more of those tops; I promise.)

Terror Squad would trade back a blow of their own as Serge Pilon Jr. intercepted #NR quarterback Alex Holowach from the shadow of his own endzone and took it back to the house. By this I mean he intercepted the pass and ran it back to the opposing endzone. Had Pilon taken the ball home, it would have been a mark of poor sportsmanship and the game would likely have ended prematurely. Both teams traded scores throughout and Terror Squad took a terrifying (last one, as promised) 19-14 lead into the half.

Alex Holowach is a quarterback that has often been criticized and rarely been given his due. What I do know of him is that he is poised, intelligent and highly analytical. He noted what he perceived to be an opportunity to attack the middle of the field with quick, precision passing. Despite an early, injury-induced exit by Kendal Mayers, Holowach connected with snapper Alex Ganter, and slot receiver Jeremy Anderson for a combined 18 catches, 142 yard and 3 touchdowns between them. Mayers has since been declared out for the next 4-6 weeks with a broken wrist. On behalf of FPF media, we all hope he recovers well and quickly.

The game did eventually come down to a bizarre set of circumstances when #NR found themselves in the redzone with five plays left. The five plays seemed to last an infinite amount of time as penalty upon penalty interrupted the action. Alex Holowach (the once young Holow) was unaffected and connected with Deemy Feelgood who was left forgotten at the back of the end-zone. #NR would leave feeling good after a 33-31 win.

 

Monstars, Welcome to the Jungle

Vinny Gualano does have the most sing-able name in FPF. While his personal look does not give off the air of a timeless, yet prototypically 80s rock band, I can’t see the initials GnR on an FPF schedule without being transported to a much earlier time in my life when fueled by…let’s call it medicine, and listening to an old vinyl of “Welcome to The Jungle” for hours and hours. Time travel notwithstanding, this game was as enjoyable as being taken away to that special place.

This game featured, well, no defense at all. This is fine by my standards. It also featured the world (or FPF world) debut of Monstars’ Anthony “Crackwood” Brisebois who used his speed, quickness and all matter of illusions to unveil himself to the FPF community. Brisebois caught 5 passes for over 100 yards and a touchdown. 

The two sides continuously traded scores and it seemed like Grip N’ Rip and the Monstars were matching each other’s 40-yard strikes. Jamal Gittens and Anthony “Time Cop” Vendrame kept the offense moving as they slashed through the defense and combined for five touchdowns.  There was a point early in the game that looked as if it would be the turning point as Grip N’ Rip finally got a stop, only for Vinny Gualano to throw an interception to Anthony Brisebois that was returned for a touchdown. 

GNR frontman Vinny Gualano said of this game that the silent hero was Jordan Allard, who drove down the field like a night train out of control and caught two key touchdowns in this game. Similarly, a man who shares his namesake, Isiah Allard scored one of the touchdowns for Monstars and recorded a sack as well. Still, the game came down to the few remaining plays. The game-winning score came when, from inside the redzone, Anthony Vendrame got separation on a quick out and caught a perfect pass from Vinny Gualano.  In a game where you hoped to have bet the over, Grip N’ Rip won by a score of 46-42.

Division 1 Power Rankings

1. Montreal’s Finest (1-0): Having won the latest chapter in the “Greatest Rivalry in FPF History” (newer is ALWAYS better), Montreal’s Finest reclaim their throne. In that way they’re like a dude who gets the TV remote back after his wife goes to bed.
2. D-Boys (0-1): D-Boys and Finest are more like 1 and 1A. D-Boys may stay at 1A unless they beat Montreal’s Finest in Week 10.
3. DK (1-0): They won an ugly game and we do not know the status of Alex Pilon. However, DK are vindicated as they prevent Got-Skills from getting their revenge from last winter.
4. Waste Yout (1-0): So far Waste Yout has done what I expected in D1. They will have some moments where they slip up. However, that will only serve to make this team stronger in the end. It’s like Vader striking down Obi-Wan. In retrospect, I’m positive the Empire was not entirely pleased with how that all went down.
5. Loonatics (1-0): It was a tight win but many are in the highest levels of FPF competition. Loonatics have an interesting roster that will compete with most in FPF.
6. Flag Moi L’Sac (0-1): They drop a game but Alexandre Pruneau and Mikhail Davidson were not at this game. That may have presented us with a very different FMS.
7. Got-Skills (0-1): So far Got-Skills are feeling the effects of the gauntlet. They did however put up a good fight. But having lost a game they should have won, I don’t see it getting much better for them.
8. Rainmakers (0-1): Don’t be fooled by garbage time. Rainmakers did not truly have a chance to beat Waste Yout in week 1.

 

Division 2 Power Rankings

1. Clockwork (1-0): Marco Masciotra’s 119.8 passer rating keeps Clockwork in the top spot after a big 42-24 win against STL.
2. Chernobyl (1-0): So, the first game was tighter than you’d like from the 2-seed. Gladiateurs are a worthy opponent and do not get blown out easily. Solid win for Chernobyl who intercepted François Lebeau three times.
3. ONS (1-0): A subpar performance by Kevin Wyeth (by his standards). However, ONS did beat a strong team in Chronic Pain. I don’t expect ONS to be calling the next morning.
4. Dan & Co (1-0): A very good team despite my criticisms. Quaid Johnson makes a huge return to FPF after suffering a season ending injury last season. He recorded two touchdowns and an interception.
5. CLR Forces (1-0): Led by two touchdown catches by Guillaume Paquette, CLR defeated Served with Ice. CLR take on the offensive juggernaut we know as Braves next week. If they can start the season with two big wins, this will give us a true barometer of how goof this team is.
6. Braves (1-0): They did face one of the weaker teams in the division when they beat Usual Suspects in Week 1. However, you can’t put up 60 points without the others in the league taking notice.
7. Monstars (0-1): Despite losing, Monstars make the power rankings because they lost a game that could have easily taken an oblong-shaped bounce in their favor.
8. #NR (1-0): Impressive Week 1 win vs. Terror Squad. Is there a chance that #NR are better with Alex Holowach than they are with Corey Pecker? Time will tell!
9. Incredibles (1-0): You won; cool story; maybe you should tell more people. This came down the last play. Winning close games isn’t ability it’s luck. I reserve my right to judge until after their Week 2 game against Chronic Pain.
10. Served With Ice (0-1): This one seems odd as Jordan Panetta was only able to throw 3 touchdowns and put up 19 points in a loss to CLR. However, it’s only Week 1; I don’t want to put too much stock into one game when everyone else is shaking off some rust, and they lost to CLR who are a very good division 2 team.

 

Others Receiving Votes

• Wolverines (1-0): Wolverines are a team that will have their struggles this season. They beat EMPS who will struggle more than most this season.
• Points R’ Us (0-1): They allowed a touchdown on the last play and a convert to lose this game. I hope for the best, but they are already breaking more hearts than Elton John and Kiki Dee would ever have cared for.
• Grip N’Rip (1-0): Almost convinced. I want to see their defense make a stop or two before I am truly convinced of the team whose destiny may lead them the Paradise City known as the FPF Roadshow.

 

Hungover Visions of the World of Tomorrow

After one week I am laying waste to Simon in our eternal struggle in pics. Well not so much eternal as 10-week long. In Division 1, I went 3-1 while Simon couldn’t muster a winning record having gone 2-2.  Amazingly Montreal’s Finest beating D-Boys by a score of one point was our common loss while a 1 point win by Loonatics over Flag Moi L’Sac was the difference in our predictions record. Essentially, it truly could have gone either way.

In Division 2 I went 7-3 as compared to Simon’s pathetic 5-5. Not having a winning record comes easily to Simon so I do expect him to bounce back accordingly.

 

Division 1	Peeze	Simon
Flag Moi L’Sac vs. Waste Yout	Flag Moi L’Sac	Flag Moi L’Sac
Montreal’s Finest vs. DK	Montreal’s Finest vs. DK	DK
D-Boys vs. Got Skills	D-Boys	D-Boys
Loonatics vs. Rainmakers	Loonatics	Loonatics
Season Total	3-1 (.750)	2-2 (.500)

 

 

Division 2	Peeze	Simon
ONS vs. Points R’ US	ONS	ONS
Dan & Co. vs. EMPS	Dan & Co.	Dan & Co.
Terror Squad vs. Monstars	Monstars	Monstars
Incredibles vs. Chronic Pain	Chronic Pain	Incredibles
STL vs. Wolverines	STL	STL
Clockwork vs. Wild Boys	Clockwork	Clockwork
Chernobyl vs. Served With Ice	Chernobyl	Chenobyl
#NR vs. Grip N’ Rip	Grip N’ Rip	Grip N’ Rip
Gladiateurs vs. Usual Suspects	Gladiateurs	Gladiateurs
CLR Forces vs. Braves	Braves	CLR
Season Total	7-3 (.700)	5-5 (.500)

 

Monday’s Makeup Mockery 

Why be addicted to meth when FPF is far more affordable, way more enjoyable and has just as many locations to score? Wanna talk about it? Want to tell me what’s wrong with my article? I’m available on Twitter as well as most social media @PeezeFPF and on FaceBook as Peeze Della Reeze.

For further analysis, tune in to the official FPF division 1/2 podcast: Calling the Audible where Simon Dagenais and G.M. Kolethras will discuss the best soft serve ice cream stands on Disney Cruise ships, MacDonald’s all day breakfast and how to rock wicked monk attire. If you watch for long enough they may discuss some flag football-relevant topics!  

You can watch them live Thursday nights at 8:30 at www.youtube.com/flagplus or download the show via iTunes or at http://fpf.podomatic.com. You can always tweet the show live by tweeting @EagleFPF or feel free to tweet G.M. @GMKole44 and let him know your vacation plans. You can also tweet Simon Dagenais @DagenaisFPF. Have a great and safe week of action. See you at the fields!