Preseason Guesses and Trepidations

Peeze’s Playbook

Preseason Breakdown

by Paolo Della Rocca

 

Once in a while, something happens in a form of creative media that is disruptive and forces everyone to pay attention.  For those who have not yet seen the music video that Childish Gambino released for his song This is America. Donald Glover’s rap persona ventured into the realm of “mumble rap”.  It isn’t my favourite sub genre but I appreciate the man so I gave it a chance and actually watched the video.  I’m happy I did.

Spoiler alert*

The video opens with Glover shooting a black man in the back of the head while his head is being covered.  Interestingly Donald Glover, seems to be posing as Jim Crow (a racist Caucasian depiction of a black man).  This character is one that is known for its use of black face in theatre and a symbol for divisively de humanizing black people.  It became associated with the law that enforced racial segregation of the United States.  

Glover uses this characterization as he pulls the trigger and carefully hands the gun over to be taken away while the no extinguished human life is carelessly pulled away such as to suggest that the life matters less than the gun that took that life away.  The lyrics that follow are equally poignant as the announce “This is America”.  This is the first of two shootings that Glover re-enacts in this video.  He later uses an automatic weapon to murder an all-black choir.  Once again, the firearm is handled with care while the human lives are merely discarded.

All of this is remarkably pointed.  However, the main theme of the video was truly what caught my attention.  As chaos ensues in the background, Childish Gambino dances and sings in the foreground as if to distract us from the mayhem that is taking place in the background.  There is no doubt in my mind that this is meant to suggest that he meant to say that media is being used to cloak and distract from the terrifying things that are actually happening around us.  

When we think for a moment, this is our new reality.  I’m as guilty of it as anyone else.  Think of some of the huge news items we’ve heard about in the last year.  We jumped all over Harvey Weinstein and Kevin Spacey, yet few of us actually know what’s going on with their criminal proceedings. Who knows anything about the relief effort after last year’s vicious hurricanes? The impact of the headline draws us in but we are then distracted by another headline until we no longer can follow up on the story we found to be vital to begin with.

Still, we’ll know the fate of our favourite television shows an blow through playlists and daily mixes on Spotify as if they are being fed to us intravenously.  We know when the next models of our favourite cars and when the next popular video game title is being released.  Yet, we don’t want to have discussions about things we claimed tone important a moment ago.  

So here I am, the head of the FPF media team.  Grand master distraction.  I am ground zero for pretending to be an NFL player once or twice a week.  So once in a while, I will go off with one of these monologues just so that my conscience is clear.  Those who have been reading my article for a while will know this.  

I hosted a barbecue for the media team last week.  It is an annual symposium where we eat far too much meat and consume far too much alcohol.  For me however, it is far more than just a party.  It’s a yearly reminder that I’m surrounded by an amazing team of intelligent, free-thinking individuals.  It reminds me of the true and absolute freedom we have in our art-form and it is a great feeling.  

Sports journalism can at times be flat and stale.  The argument of Lebron vs. Michael Jordan is for example, the most meaningless argument ever formed.  People have their positions set and stats, discourse or any other information will not change their opinions.  So if that’s the case why is it worth the discussion. I on the other hand am enjoying King James’ reign as much as I did MJ’s dominance.  

This is the perspective of my article.  I write about sports because I enjoy them.  I don’t love them.  To love is to lose perspective because one’s feelings are are attached to the object of love.  Instead, I watch sports to have fun. To have a good time.  Seeing Lebron chase down a dude and block a shot is the best way to drink a beer.  Worrying about whether or not it has an impact on Jordan’s iconic slam dunk contest never even crosses my mind unless I wander to Facebook where the impotent flame of that debate flickers on.  

The FPF season was a mere few days away and the thoughts of the NBA playoffs, our incoming season, awesome artistic expression swirled through my head.  I decided the best way to put them all to rest and quiet my mind was to hit the links.  On a perfect Wednesday morning I joined FPF podcast personalities Simon Dagenais and Chapman “the eternal hunger”.  After absorbing my annual preseason sunburn my mind was finally clear and I was ready to move forward and look at the division on the whole and break down how I thought the season would go.  Here are my thoughts.

Mindless Predictions and Flawed Analysis

This is a great initiation to those who are new to the division. For those who do not know me.  I do not respect the temple that is sports and athletic competition.  The fact that many do is a source of amusement to me.  So, in some cases, especially when I do not know your team, I may go on a rant about things that may or may not be related to football.  You’ve been warned; this is satire, I hope you enjoy it.  

Division E

XD- This team has some familiar names.  However, I have it on good authority that Zak Sigler will miss a large part of the spring sesason.  Jeff Rosenblatt can’t throw in this division and the quarterback of a team that has some experience and skill will go a long way toward their success.  Until I have that info, I will assume that they are weak at the most important position.  

Prediciton: 3-7 (E2 playoff bound)

Fighting Flamingos- They threw everyone a curveball last season when they added Stephen Harripersaud at quarterback and a lot of unknown FPF talent such as Troy Lendvay.  However, this season’s lineup appears to be the more familiar foundation with Brad Evans throwing.  This will be a strong team with very few weaknesses.

Prediction: 9-1 (E1 championship contender)

Pension Plan- Vince Pisano was a contender for QBOY in Division 6 this past winter.  How he’s still able to throw in Division E is a mystery.  Anthony Siggia and Junior Spera are borderline unguardable in division E.  This team will come out of the gates fast and there will be no looking back.  Unless they drop something.  In which case, don’t litter.

Prediction: 8-2 (E1 championship contender)

Los Banditos- This is a good team that has somewhat underachieved in their time in FPF. Loic Savoiz-Seguin has been a staple in FPF for some time.  Vincent Benjamin is an up and coming star. They are in a tough division but I think that they’ll win enough to compete in one of the tournaments.

Prediction: 6-4 (E1 playoff bound)

Green Means GO!- Adding Sean “Murderface” Mudrosky to play quarterback makes this team one of the more prolific offences out of the gate.  There is a lot of talent on this team and the size of Brian Martin and Dave Allen will be difficulty for division E teams to contend with.  Furthermore, Dave Allen is one of the best FPF minds in the business.  I can confidently say so after being completely out coached by Coach Allen in the inaugural FPF Jr. Finals.  I do think this team may have issues dealing with the speed that other teams in the division possess. Nonetheless they will be in every game this season.

Prediciton: 5-5 (E2 Playoff bound)

Vultures- Ben McMahon is coming off a QBOY season having amassed a combined 49 Touchdowns and only 13 interceptions.  This is going to be a higher level of competition for sure.  His penchant for taking sacks is akin to a kleptomaniac in either a place selling bags or a psychopath collecting testicle skin.  This may be problematic as he faces better defences in Division E1.  Best case scenario, they drop into the E2 playoffs and will be considered a favorite.  Kevin Donnet and Andel Thomas-Gordon are among two of my favorite FPF players.  However, I think they will struggle against some of the premier teams in E1.

Prediction: 4-6 (E2 Championship contender)

Tropic Thunder: Alexi Dubois has put together this team as he continues to move beyond his FPF Jr. career and into his FPF career.  Tyler Grondin will wade into the waters of quarterbacking but will likely keep it safe in shallow waters rather than having a truly explosive offense.  Richie Mondesir is a key addition that will help on both sides of the ball. There are a lot of sure-handed players on this team.  However, Kirk Lazarus may need a moment before this team can find there way out of the jungle.

Prediction: 1-9 (not quite as successful at the box office)

Loyola’s Finest- The formerly creative Dawson’s Caf’s finest have rebranded with a far less interesting name. I have penalized them by removing one potential victory. Gabriel Bardetti and Adamo Petrucelli are two smart and versatile players.  George Spano was a great pick up at quarterback last season. However, with Matt Sellas on the team it may be a double headed qb attack once again.  This is a team with a lot of pros on one coloumn but not enough to truly be elite at this stage.

Prediciton: 3-7 (E2 playoff bound)

The U- If you followed along all season long in the winter, you would know that I talked about The U’s adaptability, intelligence and communication A LOT.  Like a creepy amount!  However, this is because that aspect truly impressed me. Evan Frank has earned the reigns at quarterback.  This will be a make it or break it season for him however.  His style can be problematic and there are games where the ball just doesn’t leave his hand well. He needs to lean on higher division talent in Kyle Pedvis and Joe Kano to see even greater success.

Prediciton: 4-6 (E1 Playoff bound)

A-Side- This should be a strong team.  Brenden Sabloff is a solid two way player. Justin Santillo is a solid rusher and the team itself seems to be well rounded.  However, this team does seem to be missing some star power.  Division E is not what it once was and I expect that A-Side will not quite earn an A grade.  I fear after this write up they may want to pull me aside…see what I did there?

Prediction: 2-8 (golf is fun too)

Broken Ankles: The one benefit to the rest of the division is that JD Joly is soon to be a married man.  This is a curse that eventually envelopes most FPF players.  Where they were once dynamic and game altering, they become terrified of the date looming in the horizon.  If JD Joly can return to his pre-porposal form he will be a dominant player in this division.  Jonathan Lemieux is probably the best signal caller/athlete combination in division E and can take the division by storm.

Prediction: 7-3 (E1 contender)

Bruins: Rumors swirl around the Bruins just as global warming doubters claim the melting of the ice caps are merely the ravings of bipolar Bears.  Just as the Polar Bears are cousins to the Brown Bears most commonly associated to teams dawning the Bruin name, a merging of cousins may be in the works.  It appears as though the Bruins have added pieces from the Blacksox and are ready to take the best version of these two teams.  Will this be a successful merger like the components that made up Voltron or, is this a recreation of the failed New York Central/Pennsylvania Railroad union that filed for bankruptcy protection in 1970.  Only time will tell.  But in the meantime here’s a guess that doesn’t mean anything.

Prediction: 5-5 (E2 playoff bound)

Dude, Where’s the Endzone?: This is the award winner from the best team name category.  That said, the reference to the 2000 Ashton Kutcher and Sean William Scott movie is now 18 years old. This means one thing and infers another.  It means that some players in FPF are so young the movie came out before they were born.  It also infers that the players on this team are some of the more senior members of the division.  Last season, Stefan Fennes took over for DGC and had a very decent season with a previously struggling group. This season he leads a team that features Chris Brockwell and Kevin St-Pierre.  They may surprise me but I think they’ll be asking for directions to the redzone more often than not this season.

Prediction: 2-8 (Stef was once MIA for the podcast, he may be MIA from the playoffs this season)

Clinkers: Thus far my best student at quarterback was Ryan Garber when he played FPF Jr. Since then I’ve worked with a lot of new quarterbacks (most of whom already better than I am) to implement a high octane system built on exploiting zones and continuously moving the ball against a multitude of defences.  Marc-Andre Desaulniers took my system and implemented it very well last season and was  in consideration for an all-star nod in his first season at quarterback.  They’ve added Francois Martin so he is certain to pick up some bad habits.  However, Luis Begin, Alexandre Leveque and Luis Begin are a handful in division E and will suit this deep/intermediate attack very well. 

Prediction: 6-4 (E1 playoff bound)

Krakens: This is a team that improved vastly throughout their inaugural season.  It appears as though Daniel Sanots Vieira will be taking Etienne Beauchamp’s place at quarterback.  Anthony Beauchamp-Frezza is a great athlete and the team will lean on him heavily. He caught 11 of the teams 28 touchdowns last season and I expect him to be as involved if not more so.  Expect Krakens to come out of their shell earlier this season than their initial efforts.

Prediction: 7-3 (E1 playoff bound)

Rancerz: The Rancerz have one other entry in the annals (relax, read it again) of FPF history.  In that season they went 5-4-1 in division 4B.  An initial reaction would be to think that this team has no place in the division.  Outrage, pitchforks and the like ensues.  However, the first key difference between this iteration and the last is the absence of quarterback Jeremy Clouthier on the roster.  More so, only Xavier Grenest, Riccardo Desrosiers and Julien Gingras are returning. It will be hard to see how well they play with quarterback and former Bonnehomme Jaune pivot Jeremie Ledoux.

Prediction: 4-6 (E2 playoff bound)

Ducks: In their first season, Ducks (then quackers) were out to prove they were destined to be more than just an annoying auto correction.  Karim Sy-Morissette and Renaud St-Laurent proved to be difficult for defenders to stop. They lost in the playoffs to eventual champions Air-Force 1.  They have also since cut Frankie Scalzo and replaced the franchise’s first and only (to date) with FPF veteran Matt Domon. This move makes the Ducks a true competitor.

Prediction: 9-1 (E1 playoff bound)

Jean-Guy: This once familiar franchise has gone all but forgotten after having taken a season or two away from the league.  Christophe Chartrand returns and hopefully will do so ready to return the team to the success they had seen in the Spring 2016 season where they went 5-5 and earned the team’s second playoff berth.  Since then of course in the world of flag as in the world of chronic, new flashy brands have found themselves in prominence. Jean Guy look to remind everyone the potency of the original.  That said, I’m more of a Pink Kush kinda guy.

Prediction: 1-9 (Playoffs ain’t all that)

Glogang: Let’s call this season: “the season of cowardly quarterbacks hiding out in low divisions”.  As for a Rocky and Bullwinkle-ian secondary title could also be: “my God we gotta fix the cap issue in division E”. Arno Desjardins took the reigns at quarterback for reigning champions Moss City and they won their second FPF championship in as many seasons. His 32:4 TD to INT ratio and monster skill set has me considering him to be a middle of the pack division C quarterback.  Yet, he’s slumming it this summer with recurring teammates such as Oliver Suri, Sifax Kaced and Youcef Kaced.  Glogang whould put up some numbers this season.

Prediction: 8-2 (E1 Playoff Contenders)

Grinders:

Division E-2

ORSA- ORSA are a group of friends who are young and athletic.  Michael and Massimo Barbusci have played highly competitive hockey for years and now look to take their talents to FPF.  This is a tough league for players who don’t have experience.  I expect them to struggle as they learn the ropes.  I expect that despite bringing their talents on over here they may play more like the Lebron who refused to post up JJ Barrea than the “Chase Down Block”.  If you don’t know the reference because you don’t watch basketball, know that ball is life.  If you don’t get the references due to youth well then congratulations on the plight of the human existence.

Prediciton: 3-7 (E2 playoff bound)

Underdogs- Underdogs seem like a team that can go in one of two directions.  They may be wolves in sheep’s clothing or they may get beat down to the soundtrack of Canines: by Michael Vick.  What? It’s been long enough; we can joke now. Jonah Eisenberg showed moments of competence at quarterback but has yet to put it together. Adam Smolar and Ryan Castiel are nice experienced pieces that can help him figure it out.

Prediciton: 5-5 (E2 playoff bound)

Number Juan: The name is a combination of racial insensitivity mixed with the hilarity of Mexican Word of the Day memes. Chris Marcovichio is a much maligned quarterback from the struggling Baker Boys franchise.  He is branching out with this new brand of FPF talent. David DiPaola is a fast receiver who works best in space and is also a proficient rusher. The rest of the team seems to be somewhat of an Enigma that may soon reveal that the answer to the riddle is disappointment.

Prediction: 2-8 (E2 Playoff Bound)

Degenosaurus Rex: A name that literally means Degenerate Lizard King conjures images of an aging reptile in poor health, whose crown scarcely fits atop his ever enlarging rear scalp fat folds as he sits, slumped in his throne. His castle built upon the earnings of immorality and corruption are now in jeopardy as one Filly pulled up lame on the clubhouse turn while the other 2/3 of the trifecta ticket now fall behind on the backstretch.  The warming glow of success and love now replaced by the cold, sterile glow of the television airing the race that mocks his failure for all to see. He weeps in utter solitude and watches his Lizard queen remove his Lizard progeny from a once-great castle now in ruins.  His family never turns back for one final glimpse.  He knows he will never see them again so he drowns his sorrows in a haze that he may never awake from.  That’s how I think there season will go. 

Prediction: 1-9 (stay tuned to my week 1 article for real analysis) 

One Speed: Power: (by Simon Dagenais) The revamped OSP? There’s A LOT of talent on this team coming from different backgrounds. You’ve got a defensive mastermind in Alex D’Aquila who can’t play, an underrated star receiver in Mike Addona, a washed-up snapper in Peeze Della Reeze and undeniable playmakers in Joseph James and Daniel Bornstein, but the real question mark is at the QB position. William Power is the best player on this team by far, but he is a legitimate quarterback? If he finds ways to use his legs at times and become a dual-threat QB, he might make the previous QB of this franchise look foolish. 

Prediction: 4-6 (E2 Playoff Bound)

Average Joe’s: In games brought to you by the Ocho, Average Joes will look to surprise.  In my first season in FPF I played an entirely different franchise if the same name.  Whilest running a route I low-key slapped the then media Czar Daron Basmidjian in the gut.  There is little else I can add to this analysis because the team is composed of entirely new players.  Every season new teams register and they tend to either be awful or amazing.  Let’s say this team will be amazing…just cause.

Prediction: 8-2 (E1 playoff bound)

Sandbaggers: A Sandbagger is a trickster of sorts.  One will think that they are not destined to be effective but likely, the opposite is the truth. Or do they know that we know that and it’s double sandbaggery.  I was once told that breast implants felt like sand bags.  I must say that in my experiences with a couple of women who partook in this procedure (and likely performed by different medical practitioners), I have found this not to be the case.  The team offers former Redneck team member Olivier Goddard who is a phenomenal rusher.  One thing is for certain.  Quarterbacks will struggle to throw over the middle with his ridiculous wingspan.

Prediction: 6-4 (E1 playoff bound)

Lemons: One of the only experienced member on this team is Domenic Meffe. Meffe was a playmaker for the Sun Bros in a previous season and recorded the palindromic stat line of 333 yards receving. However, one good player does a team not make. Or something in that vein. Olivier Emmons is the only other player with FPF experience and he has been a solid role player.  He will have to step up if this new squad wants to make a difference right away.  Lemons are a dimly lit dart throw at this point but I will also assume that their likely yellow jersey choice will help teams prep early to avoid wearing pinnies.

Prediction: 5-5 (E2 playoff bound)

Zone 6 Ballers: This is an entirely new squad.  All players have received the division E introductory rating.  On the subject of ratings, the only player not to be given a QB rating is Jeansley Valbonard.  Bro, they don’t want you throwing the ball.  I think this team, which I have no information about, will be bad…just cause.

Prediction: 2-8 (E2 playoff bound)

Los Avocados: Our former producer Chapman “Hunger Games” referred to them as Lost Avocados due to their inability to find success.  They moved up in the winter but did not see much success.  However the duo of Joshua Vasquez and Thomas Zorko have been dynamic and I think that throwing in division 5 has given Vasquez an opportunity to improve and take that improvement to the lowest division in FPF.

Prediction: 7-3 (E1 playoff bound)

 EZW:  Charles-Olivier Lavinge’s QB cap is too high.  His speed will help whoever is behind centre as any catch can turn into a touchdown be it of the singular or 49 yard variety. Rumors suggest Jeremy White is the arm in charge.  It appears as though he looks to want to return the favor of the better part of 56 receiving touchdowns where most of which were thrown to him be the aforementioned quarterback.  That duo alone will ensure that they will be competitive with the athleticism of their defense.

Prediction 6-4 (E1 playoff bound)

Guardians: Guardians have made the move to Pat St.Amand at quarterback. Just like that, the cowardly QB genre grows a little further.  St.Amand is an outstanding receiver who just mat be a better quarterback.  With weapons such as Kevin Marcela and Etienne Vaillancourt on the team, I don’t see how they lose a game.

Prediction: 10-0 (E1 playoff contender)

Replacements: This was one of the toughest teams to place into a subdivision and to breakdown as well.  They won  their division in the winter 2018 season despite losing more games than they won. Frank Teoli-Colatrella improved all season long and Jean-Pierre Nahra proved to be a very good defender.  They have some solid players but I still think there is more losing than winning in the short term.

Predicition: 3-7 (E2 playoff bound)

Bulldogs: As a University of Georgia Bulldogs fan I sincerely hope this team will be good.  It’s hard to predict of course because the only player I know on this team is Jakob Boidman.  Boidman played for The Process in the winter season.  He proved to be somewhat of a Swiss army knife as Sony Michel was to the Bulldogs in what should have been a championship run.  Also is a Swiss army knife really that versatile.  I would venture that it was merely a gatekeeper in the pantheon of tools. Give me a drill or a multitool over a Swiss Army knife any day.  When it comes to knives they aren’t even on the ballot.  Machete, chef’s knife and butterfly are all the standard in this category.

Prediction: 4-6 (E2 Playoff bound)

Savages: Ryan and Andrew Vanslet were introduced to us in 2, Flags 1 Cup’s first season.  Andrew Vanslet is an explosive snapper and Ryan Vanslet scored 15 touchdowns in his inaugural season. This team has a strong foundation.  I’m not certain about these pieces but having a team built on star power is a strategy that works well in FPF.

Prediction: 6-4 (E1 playoff bound)

Brewers: On a morning filled with regret and as the inside of my mouth feels like the pint after pint of writer’s fuel no matter how many times I brush the top of my mouth, I ponder the upcoming season of my brewing brethren.  This team was awful in their first season.  They’ve added FPF glue guys Eric Pawlusiak and Jeffery Lefebvre.  James Moulton is a good athlete who can play a variety of positions.  This team unfortunately has more losses in their future before they can truly see success. In FPF, the beatings make you wise.

Prediction: 1-9 (Fall Cup will be better…I promise)

Les Amateurs des Sacks: Some dudes love sacks.  That’s ok, we are who we are. This team is fairly new.  They do have pff veteran and defensive stalwart Vincent Deschateles who made his debut on the Punnishers.  This experience will help on the defensive side, especially since this is the hardest component of the game to learn.

Prediction: 3-7 (E2 Playoff bound)

Oakheart: Im not sure if the team name is a reference to the spiced rum of the same name.  This may refer to the feline warrior who is a member of StarClan.  Or of course the extremely risky hear replacement surgery that allows one to replace their hear with on composed of Oak wood.  I don’t recommend it as it has never worked.  Don’t mess with your cardiac health.

Prediction: 5-5 (E2 playoff bound)

Saturday’s Sassy Sophistication  

Enjoy your first games.  This is an awesome part of the season where everyone is a contender!  I’m psyched to see games and get my own season started.  I’ve missed you FPF, it’s been too long.

For further info on this division and the rest of the league feel free to tune into Calling the Audible where Moe Khan, Simon Dagenais, Eagle at Master Control and GM Koletheras will discuss topics such as the best the best pasta makers, Armenian revolution and Xzibit’s bizarre career choices.  Tune in to the Facebook page for more info about the podcast.  Please feel free to reach me @peezefpf on twitter or @ Peeze Della Reeze on Facebook to let me know about the various ways in which I was wrong.