Peeze’s Preseason Power Rankings

They’re done! All of them! Every single last one! No, I don’t mean sentence fragments, as those who are far more literarily gifted will soon realize. What has come to an end are the immense amount of leftovers that have taken hold of my fridge and freezer. The holidays are a time for family, friends, alcohol and leftovers. Whether it is microwaved veal roast or oven-heated beef wellington, or even some recreated meals such as lobster poutine using leftover lobster from New Years Eve, one thing is certain. We’ve all eaten way too much, watched just the right amount of NCAA and NFL Football (and let’s admit it, we sprinkled in some Christmas movies here and there as well), and drank enough to have forgotten our distant aunt’s not quite see-through moustache that she can’t seem to conquer.

Now it’s time for resolutions everyone. For some it may be weight loss pact. Others may have contractually obliged themselves to put on more muscle. The most ambitious have decided to extend their lives by quitting smoking or even no longer indulging in the methamphetamines. However, if we were all being truthful with ourselves, the one resolution we all make is to win our first, our next or multiple FPF championships. The time has arrived.

In our first week, Les Blues Branleurs look to unload on the Snatchers, The Sea Assassins will beach themselves if it means getting a shot to challenge the KGP Champs. In the battle of the most wild, Prestige World Wide defends their championship against the Wild Boys. Meanwhile, Google Translate has contacted the league to see if they can sponsor the matchup between Los Luchadores and Zio E Fraté. Finally, La Sauce looks to catch a predator in the season debut. There is a ton of exciting action and while action itself cannot be quantified by weight, it still promises to be an exciting first week.  

To get your all-access pass to the comings and goings on the field and beyond, our media coverage for FPF’s most exciting division is extensive.  In addition to my article which will be released on a weekly and sometimes semi-weekly basis, players of this division can tune in to Calling The Audible as Brent Callender and I will be your official aural companion to the written media.  Just like that promiscuous partner you never wanted to bring home to your parents, our aural entertainment is unrivalled. The podcast is available by subscribing via iTunes or by visiting: http://fpf.podomatic.com/. You will also be able to tune in live. Stay tuned for the link and the schedule as soon as it becomes available.

 Dramatis Personae

For those not familiar with Latin or who have never held a playbill in their hands, this section is to offer a quick introduction to the people responsible for the media content for this division. I will list them and then craft a series of lies so that the actual content in each paragraph becomes a veritable Where’s Waldo.

 Peeze: By this point many of us have already crossed paths. For those of you whom I have not had the pleasure of meeting, you will quickly learn that I do what I can to come to as many games as possible, act personably on the sidelines, write somewhat coherent alcohol fuelled ramblings that the league glorifies by calling articles and firing off opinionated, angry rants on league podcasts. May this be the first and final warning! The surgeon general insisted; I have complied.

I am also the snapper for Moose. I am still on the prowl for my first championship and while Moose don’t actually prowl, I can assure you that we will be in the hunt (for those who did not catch how clever that was remember that Moose are often hunted and not predatory). I also have extensive experience in this league and am heavily involved with many of the leagues day-to-day operations. If you have any questions and you see me lingering around the sidelines please feel free ask any questions or voice your opinions. If you have any complaints, I will be glad to ignore them but act very supportive.

This is my first season covering division 3 and I am excited. Division 3 is the gateway to the incredible talent and competition of the higher divisions and it looks to be one of the most intriguing seasons in the division’s history.

Brent Callender: At times he has been an enemy, then we became friends before becoming my adversary once more. After Brent Callender won his first championship with TCO (an acronym we were all disappointed to learn stands for Team Call-Outs) and rather than rejoining Moose in their quest for a championship, he has decided to join some familiar teammates on the Da Regiment squad. He is a gifted defender and will be joining me this season as, “Calling the Audible”, FPF’s flagship podcast moves to division 3. For those who think his departure from Moose was amicable, you did not see the boxes of his belongings that I kicked to the curb.

GM Kolethras: Named George Michael as he was conceived during one passionate night while his parents were listening to Wham’s Debut record: “Wham Rap! (Enjoy What You Do)”. He was named after the rock star has the Kolethras’ had a feeling that that young man would become a star. They have been living with GM’s moderate level of success ever since. He will be chiming in once a week to deliver 5 topics for me to rant about. He also promises to get Brent Callender fired so that he may take his spot on Calling the Audible. Stay tuned for future FPF media team roster moves.

The Eagle at Master Control: He is downright evil, short and basically has the mind of a terminator. Cyberdine insists that we cannot return this model as they worry that he may otherwise fall into the wrong hands. He is the producer, knob turner and mastermind behind all FPF podcasts. He drives us as crazy as compliance officers do onto NCAA head coaches but it is all for the greater good of the product (Eagle edit).

ACTUAL EDIT: I did not add this /Eagle

Coast 2 Coast Studios: Our partnership with Uncle Mike continues but FPF Radio has found a new home at Coast2Coast Studios.  Tune in for our weekly podcasts as they are sure to thrill, amaze, confuse and inspire.  This gives us a chance to discuss your team, yourselves, and any other haphazard speculations, arbitrary thoughts and off-centred topics on any given week. The only way to be sure is by tuning in!

A Hitchhiker’s Guide to My Segments

• Recap: Put simply, this is the segment where I will go over some of the games from the previous week. It’s like Sports Centre but without the benefit of replay or charismatic anchors. I will try as much as possible to cover as many teams as possible as well as focus on key games as they occur.  Those who know me can attest to the fact that I try to watch as many games as possible and I prefer to write about what I’ve seen firsthand.  However, as it isn’t physically possible to make it to every game, feel free to let me know what happened in your matchup.

• 5 plays Till Half Time: Each week, former division 3 analyst GM Koletheras will send me five quick fire questions and I will do my best to answer them with the least amount of forethought possible. Given that I’m not partial to thinking, this should be fun.

• Reflections, Rants and Ravings: This is a returning segment from past seasons. This where I give shout outs, bestow call-outs and go off on whatever tangent seems partially relevant on any given week. Some of it is related to FPF, some is related to football and some may be particularly awkward icebreakers I test with my audience before trying them on particularly attractive females with the pleasure of sitting next to me through an entire flight.  At times I may seem to lose focus, but trust me it all ties together in the end, and sometimes, it doesn’t.

• Fantasy Update: Every season the media team puts together their fantasy teams as we compete and slug it out using real life FPF players as our pawns… as our pawns… as our pawns. Yup, there really is no other way to say that where I sound less like a jerk.

• Power Rankings: This is where I take a look at the division on the whole and decide which group of thugs would be king of the mountain.  I then publish my findings in a top 10 format.  I’m often wrong about this so in the end it truly means nothing. Either way I invite you to let me know why you think your team should be considered.

• Hung-over Visions of The World of Tomorrow: This is my predictions section. Read below for changes.

* All of these segments are subject to change as my memory is limited to retaining mathematical patterns, bad bets in poker, interesting recipes and obscure comic book references. There are also ‘seasonal segments’ that come around in the times of the season where they seem more appropriate (playoff brackets, mid-season breakdowns, all-star nominee’s, the Peeze Awards, etc.)  Also, if you have ideas regarding what you would like to see in my article please feel free to contact me. At this moment I don’t know how many articles I will be able to produce each week, so for the moment let’s assume it is between 1 and 70.

Preseason Power Rankings

I love ranking teams in the preseason. I have no idea how it will play out and will probably be wrong on most of these calls. However, by the end of the season no one will remember what I said week one. It’s the ultimate free-roll! So here’s what I see in the magic 8 ball I like to call www.flagplusfootball.com.

1) Prestige World Wide: Alex Lever is arguably the best quarterback in division 3 and Prestige World Wide are the reigning division 3 champions after their defeat of Les Monsieur Chats who now find themselves in division 2. One may wonder what PWW has to gain by competing for a trophy that they’ve already won but, while many of us are left to wonder, they will be heading out week after week as teams will look to dethrone them week in and week out. For now however, they are the top dogs in the kennel.  

2) BD Bandits: Led by Steve Sanner, the BD Bandits will have the best defense in the division. They are disciplined, intelligent and they work cohesively as a team. Last season, BD Bandits started off strong, going 5-0 in the first half of the season. In that 5 game span, they beat 3 eventual playoff contenders and the eventual champions before going 3-2 in the second half of the season and losing in a first round rematch to #NoRegard in the first round of the playoffs. We also saw quarterback Mark Belvedere come into his own as one of the division’s up and coming star quarterbacks. If the rest of the division has not found an answer for him, the Bandits will be making off with plenty of wins this seaso

3) KGP Champs: Anytime, Phil Cutler takes the field, his team has a chance to be special. He is an established quarterback and a strong defender that causes fits for opposing offences week after week. Fred Saleh and Sean Brophy are as talented as they are underrated and they help make the KGP offence deadly. Given their experience, desire for a championship and overall athleticism, KGP Champs find themselves at 3rd in the pre-season polls.

4) Eudistes: The Eudistes have a lot of talent and they have a group of receivers who give everything they can to their quarterback. In the end it will all fall on the shoulders of Hugo Henderson. If he can play to his full potential, the Eudistes will finally take home an FPF Championship. They may have a cocky demeanor on the field but it is not without merit. This is a strong team and should never be taken lightly.

5) Brotherhood: Brotherhood made the biggest roster move this off-season. They added former CIS QB Gianni Settino to their roster. While Settino has not seen a lot of FPF success his career thus far, having Jamal Gittens and Omar Jackson as his two primary weapons has this FPF analyst believing that he will have his best season yet. Another player that may not be known to many in the division is Quaysie Gordon Maule. If QGM plays in all 10 games he will be an all-star rusher, he may set a record and he will be in the discussion for defensive player of the year. The Brotherhood lost by 1 point in the Division D final this past summer. They showed a lot of character moving up a division despite that loss. However, their gain at quarterback sees them close off the top 5 in this season’s preseason top 5.

6) Predators: James “JFlo” Floreani has surrounded himself with a great team which should help him compete with the real top tier quarterbacks this season. Adding Marc Andre Lapointe and Nicholas Gendron Vallee to an already stellar roster makes the Predators a legitimate contender this season. Jacob Bernett and Simon Bosquet Beaudin are two of the fastest players have ever seen and both were claimed by the predators off of free agency. This is a solid roster from top to bottom with both star power and depth. While, JFlo’s bunny hop running style may look awkward to the unsuspecting viewer, the Preds may be hoping up the ladder if this team plays as well as I believe they can.

7) La Sauce: Seeing a team that played in division 4 last season may be surprising to many; however, I was on record last winter as saying that they had the best team defense I had seen up to and including division 3. They have also made some key additions that make this team exciting. François Deslauriers is a talented player who excels wherever you line him up. The addition of Ben Léger makes a lot of sense for this team as he will be useful whether he is playing receiver or if they decide to make a change at quarterback. Should they decide to go with François Raymond at QB, then the fate of this team will rest on his shoulders. If he is able to make reads and avoid just chucking it up, La Sauce will be a definite contender.  

8) VPC: Once in a while you get a ubiquitous reaction from the masses. In FPF the most common of such reactions is, “How can ___________ still fit under the qb cap for this division”. Perhaps no FPF player elicited that reaction more than Robbie Robinson. After throwing only 4 interceptions to his 46 touchdowns it may seem odd that Robinson’s cap hit remained unchanged. However, this is still an interesting team. While they do not have the same level of top-end talent that some other frontrunners in the division have, they do not really have a weakness. All of their players play a role and given that they have an elite QB, and the ability to call upon Akked Moore if the going gets tough VPC can be expected to tear through the division once more.

9) Bengals: Formerly known as Big TD’s, Bengals return with a familiar cast. Jamil Springer will be marching out with Jason Prince, and David Cesari as always. However, the Bengals have made a couple of smart roster moves. Nareg Yessayan reestablished his status as a Hall of Famer last winter with a great season with Ocean’s Seven. A move that will attract less attention but is probably the most interesting of the offseason is their pick up of Carmelo Bruno. Known as a versatile player and a solid free safety in outdoor leagues Bruno gives the Bengals a low cap-hit, high impact player who can make a difference from jump street.

10) Da Regiment: I gave some thought to keeping this team out of the top 10. However, Doug McKernan continues to evolve as an FPF quarterback and he has surrounded himself with very good offensive threats. Jeff Millar, Jourdain Alexis, Tony Lalla and Matthew Rupcic round out a solid top end to a receiving corps (not to mention good defenders in their own right). Sami Beg was last season’s most improved player in FPF and he figures to be part of the offense as well. Another intelligent roster move was to add Corey Cook to the TCO/Aces/Shamrock family. He is a smart defender that will add to an already ball-hawking D.

Hung-over Visions of the World of Tomorrow

As I have done once before, I am ready to go toe to toe with Matt Domon as each week, we pretend to have our pulse on the division and we blindly guess who will beat whom. Given Domon’s penchant for alcohol, I feel as though his gout infested toe may have an advantage in a battle of tetrapod digits. Nonetheless we will engage in this great clash of wits. As always, I will not predict any games involving the Moose (while you can assume that I pick my own team to win each week) and Matt will not pick any Snatchers’ games because he knows it would serve merely to add 10 losses to his record.  

Game	Peeze	Matt Domon
Les Blues Branleurs vs. Snatchers	Snatchers	n/a
La Sauce vs. Predators	La Sauce	Predators
Sea Assassins vs. KGP Champs	KGP Champs	Sea Assassins
MetaMayhem vs. BD Bandits	BD Bandits	MetaMayhem
Prestige World Wide vs. Wild Boys	Prestige World Wide	Prestige World Wide
VPC vs. The Brotherhood	VPC	VPC
Rudebwoys vs. OTF	Rudebwoys	Rudebwoys
Still C.R.A vs. Génie 3D	Still C.R.A	Still C.R.A
Solide vs. Eudistes	Solide	Solide
Da Regiment vs. BearSkins	Da Regiment	Da Regiment
Los Luchadores vs. Zio e Fraté	Los Luchadores	Zio e Fraté
Mongoose vs. Texas BareManz	Mongoose	Mongoose
Moose vs. Past Our Prime	n/a	Past Our Prime
Bengals vs. Buddays	Bengals	Bengals
Broccaision vs. Monstars	Broccaision	Monstars
Record	n/a	n/a
Winning pct.	n/a	n/a

Reflections, Rants and Ravings

• This week people were killed over a cartoon. If this is the world we live in I’m glad we have flag football to distract us from the horrors that exist around us.
• Expect a second article to come out this week to cover the teams that did not make my top 10.
• I’m not sure why Big TDs changed their name to Bengals. While it is somewhat less sexual, if not entirely.
• Why would the reverse flash also be fast? I would imagine him to be a more Peeze like Villain.
• The best Christmas movie of all time is Die Hard. The second best is Die Hard 2. The Hudsucker Proxy is third only because Die Hard with a Vengeance takes place during the summer.
• In the past, the staunch old guard has snubbed their nose at lower division teams. This season sees 7 former div 5 teams enter the fold (Les Blues Branleurs, La Sauce, Sea Assasins, BearSkins, Moose, Buddays and Monstars).
• If I had to choose the group of death this re-season it would be conference A West.
• Does anyone even drink Caffe D’Orzo anymore or did it die in the 80’s? If so I guess gluten-free has trumped caffeine-free.    

Thursday’s Tuna-Salad

This season promises to be incredible. Remember to cherish every moment because the ride to the championship only ends in absolute ecstasy for one team. It is still full of memories and ups and downs for everyone else. Rivalries will be continued and new ones will be born. Friendships and bonds will be built while others will fall apart. One thing is for certain: it will be over quicker than you can imagine.  

For further analysis, tune in to the official FPF division 3 podcast Calling the Audible where Brent Callender and I will give you all the pros and cons of interspecies foreign relations. Stay tuned for information about when and where you can watch it. Until then if you have any questions, comments or demands for recipes please feel free to email me at [email protected] or by tweeting me @PeezeFPF.

Have a great and safe first week of action. See you at the fields!