Peeze’s Playbook: Preseason Breakdown

Introduction is to a moment in a time as seeing a street mime is to a child. There is joy and merriment in seeing the living man or woman, trapped in a box, pull an invisible rope or perform a knee-bending-yet-confined dance routine. As we get older we ignore the mime and when we notice them, we mock them for their art. The first time we hear “Pinocchio” it is a chilling and harrowing tale of the dangers of lying to one’s parents. Later, we think of it of a cute tale of a puppet and woodenly somber carpenter. Meanwhile Niccolo Machiavelli postulated that an introduction can be perilous, whereas Lao Tzu saw it as an opportunity for growth once higher dimensions of consciousness were introduced. 

 

This being my first article for Division 1&2, I hope I can continue to be the mime rather than the horrifying tale of a wooden puppet’s trials toward eventual metamorphosis. Then again, those who were truly paying attention would have noticed that this was an introduction about introductions and has very little relevance to this particular situation. 

 

Dramatis Personae

For those not familiar with Latin or who have never held a playbill in their hands, this section is to offer a quick introduction to the people responsible for the media content for this division. I will list them and then craft a series of lies so that the actual content in each paragraph becomes a veritable Where’s Waldo.

 

Peeze: By this point many of us have already crossed paths. In the summer 2014 season many high division players got to hear my voice for the first time as I was an analyst on the Division A and B Podcast. Last season, I made an appearance on the Division 1/2 podcast during the now infamous www.ducks.ca segment. Many of you hated it; I stand by it because I thought it was hilarious. For those who disagree, feel free to make like a duck and relax. This is a game, let’s have some fun. Moreover, for players who have moved through the divisions you will likely know my writing from having played in Divisions 6, E, 5, D, 3 and or C.

 

This is a new opportunity for me so I will ask your help. Find me at the fields, message me on social media, and let me know what you would like to see in my article. Division 1 and 2 has a different clientele from much of the league. I will try to keep that sensibility in mind. However, I believe people are people and I will look to entertain as well as inform. For the moment, I can say that I’m happy to be covering the most prestigious divisions in the sport and I look forward to watching your games all season long!

 

Simon Dagenais: Simon is a colleague that I’ve grown to tolerate. He and I could not have a greater divide in terms of what we perceive as sports journalism. He will be hosting the D1 and 2 podcast, and as such, you will get a well-rounded approach to coverage. Where I endeavor to be nuanced and intricate, Simon has the grace of a porcupine in a petting zoo.

 

Terry Tam: Terry Tam is an FPF veteran who has been around a long time. He is a laid-back dude with a penchant for the irreverent. I look forward to his thoughts on the division while Simon Dagenais does his best to reign him in on a weekly basis.

 

The Eagle at Master Control: He turns the knobs on the podcasts. He laughs awkwardly at inappropriate humour and, in his youth, he often wondered why bananas looked like him in the shower. It is this kind of thinking that has led FPF to keep innovating season after season.  Despite his dreams of living in the limelight as say, a leading man in an off-off-Broadway play, or a wine swilling altar boy in a made-for-TV special about the dangers of alcoholism and the Church, or perhaps to one day be a featured ballerina, Eagle works from the shadows and brings the podcasts to you on a weekly basis.

 

A Hitchhiker’s Guide to My Segments

• Recap: Put simply, this is the segment where I will go over some of the games from the previous week. It’s like Sports Centre but without the benefit of replay or charismatic anchors. I will try as much as possible to cover as many teams as possible as well as focus on key games as they occur. Those who know me can attest to the fact that I try to watch as many games as possible and I prefer to write about what I’ve seen firsthand. However, as it isn’t physically possible to make it to every game, feel free to let me know what happened in your matchup.

• 5 Plays till Half Time: From time to time, I will ask a player from one of these two divisions a series of 5 questions about FPF, upcoming matchups and random items such as: “What do you believe are the top 5 explosions from Michael Bay films.”

• Power Rankings: This is where I take a look at the division on the whole and decide which group of thugs would be king of the mountain. I then publish my findings in a top X format. I’m often wrong about this so in the end it truly means nothing. Either way, I invite you to let me know why you think your team should be considered. Division 1 will have the benefit of having the entire division ranked each week as it is a small division of 8 teams; Division 2 can look forward to a top 10 each week.

• Hungover Visions of the World of Tomorrow: This is my predictions section. Each week, Simon Dagenais and I will pick games against each other and compete for utmost supremacy and to decide who will pay for the first round of drinks.

 

All of these segments are subject to change as my memory is limited to retaining mathematical patterns, bad beats in poker, interesting recipes and obscure comic book references. There are also seasonal segments that come around in the times of the season where they seem more appropriate (playoff brackets, mid-season breakdowns, all-star nominees, the Peeze Awards, etc.) Also, if you have ideas regarding what you would like to see in my article please feel free to contact me. At this moment I don’t know how many articles I will be able to produce each week, so for the moment let’s assume it is between 1 and 70.

** Please note that an article may not include any of these segments.

 

Additional entertainment, content and other lies

• Weekly Observations: I used to have a segment of my article called Rants, Ravings and Reflections. I instead decided to go with a league-wide article that would allow me to investigate X amount of weekly observations relating to each of our divisions and some random thoughts as they come to me throughout the week.

• Division 1&2 Podcast: Each week, Simon Dagenais and Terry Tam will go through the week’s action, and look forward to the action that is on the horizon. More information about where and when to find this podcast will be available shortly.

• FPF Newsreel: This is somewhat of the Weekly Observations in audio format for those who prefer not to read or for the blind who really have let their braille slip. The stories won’t entirely be the same and they will be somewhat more in-depth. Once again, however, these will be more headlines than analysis.

 

Preseason Power Rankings

I love ranking teams in the preseason. They are based on personal bias and no actual analytical data. However, more than the picks themselves I love the reactions that I will get inevitably. Teams that win week one will be quick to call me out when they slide by and earn a victory in Week 1. However, I wonder if said players will praise me when I am right? Please note that I can be praised on Twitter @PeezeFPF or on most other social media platforms where I can be found under the name Peeze Della Reeze.

1. D-Boys: I’m not doing the Moe Khan thing where I am predicting the fall of Montreal’s Finest. However, I will say that, in my opinion, heading into this season, I consider D-Boys to be the favourite. Marco Masciotra is getting better each season and he is surrounded with size ridiculous combination of size and speed. Theo Ojeaha, Anthony Comeau, Jamal Gittens and Jordan McLaren come to mind. Also, Matt Kirouac complained that I never talk about him, so, there is his name.

2. Montreal’s Finest: More of a 1A than a true 2, but the greatest rivalry in FPF history between the Finest and the D-Boys has gotten interesting in the last few years. Expect more of the same from this chapter. I am also convinced that Kevin Wyeth has found the solution to aging and has since shared his secrets with the likes of Nathan Taylor and Kishon Thompson. These guys seem to get better every season.

3. DK: Rochdi Benabdelkader’s charm can only be superseded by his vision on the football field. The guy sees things like southerners see ghosts. Pair that with the sheer speed of Alex and Serge Pilon and having added another speedster in Tam Vilaydeth, and DK’s return to the finals would not surprise me.

4. Flag Moi L’Sac: The care-free and fun-loving nature is infectious. There has never been a team that I’ve rooted for more than Flag Moi over the years. Alex Nadeau-Piuze will have a full complement and he sees the return of Antoine Pruneau and the addition of fellow CFLer Mikhail Davidson. Given the right circumstances, I can imagine a scenario where Flag Moi are holding the trophy at the end of the season. However, I don’t think they can run the gauntlet. If one of the lower ranked teams can upset one of the top dogs that would leave only one tough game for Flag Moi L’Sac to win in the playoffs prior to the Roadshow. They will be in position for that to happen; let’s hope the cards fall where they will.

5. Waste Yout: The only thing ballsier than this prediction is Waste Yout registering for Division 2. Here’s a less-ballsy prediction: I think Dan Lazzara will prove to be the next great FPF quarterback. Touchdown-to-interception ratio is one of the best predictors of success when quarterbacks move up in the divisions, and his has increased steadily as his cast of characters has improved. Expect Quaysie Gordon-Maule and Jarryd Taylor to become FPF household names by the end of the season.

6. Loonatics: Paul Lapierre always puts a competitive team together and of course names like Jacques Void, Jean-Richard Verger and Godfrey Abu are eye popping. Still, perhaps the most important name on their roster sheet is Jamil Springer. Having jumped from D-Boys to Loonatics, Springer will help a team that is always competitive but never truly in the conversation. However, while this team will go on runs now and again I do think they will ultimately fall short.

7. Got-Skills: Got-Skills impressed everyone last winter before eventually losing the championship game to DK by a score of 27-25. This season, Got-Skills’ schedule is essentially murderers’ row. Their first five games are against DK, D-Boys, Montreal’s Finest, Flag Moi L’Sac and D-Boys a second time. Somewhat hurt by their preseason ranking, I can see a reality where Got-Skills win no more than two games all season. Nicolas Centomo is a fun quarterback to watch because he truly does sling it without fear. However, GS will need to overcome a tough start to have a place in the playoffs.

8. Rainmakers: I’m wrong. Tell me I’m wrong. I will absolutely agree with you. However, there is no way that I can rank the Rainmakers higher than last. This isn’t an indictment but more a snap shot of the level of competition in Division 1 this season. Rainmakers have not had a winning season since Winter 2015. Ryan Kastner and company have a lot of talent but always seem to be missing something. While other teams in the division make huge acquisitions Rainmakers typically keep their core intact as we see the return of Michael Chitayat, Bobby Mikelberg, and Teddy Frenette. Acquisitions have also let them down in the past as roster inconsistency has plagued the Rainmakers. So, I’m wrong. But I can’t see how they will live to prove me to be an idiot.     

 

Division 2 Power Rankings

1. Clockwork: From a team everyone loved to hate in division D to the belle of the ball in Division 2. For the most part the core has stayed together and it is appreciated in the era of cap skirting and “Franken-teams”. Given that,, they’ve done some recruiting. Rich Humes and Kyle Lebofsky were pick-ups along the way but the team has also added ball hawking Gordon Hogan and Phil Cutler. This team is well rounded and will be interesting throughout the season.

2. Monstars: Rod Mashtoub went from being an inconsistent lower division quarterback to becoming one of the rising stars in the league. Frederic Viens, Jad and Ryan Aridi and virtual unknown Anthony Brisebois give the Monsters speed that is unparalleled in this division. I expect the Monsters to leave a mark this season.

3. Chernobyl: Patrick Chenard is a huge impact both throwing and on the defensive side of the ball. Defense will be key as the team, as usual, features Matt Bond and Nicholas Arsenault-Hum as well as Jovan Cober. They have impressive athleticism and size, it’s not hard to consider that Chernobyl is one of the favourites heading into the season.

4. Served With Ice: Jordan Panetta can be frustrating at times at the quarterback position. He has moments where it looks fluid and natural and moments where it all falls apart. having JD Chevalier, Mikhail Davidson and Karl Lavallee make up an impressive receiving corps. If cool heads prevail, so will SWI.

5. ONS: Kevin Wyeth is enough of a reason to be considered in the top 5. The dude could take the moving targets from those old QB Club competitions and his team would still be competitive. However, his tools are far better than that; this team is dense with talent. Tony Lalla, Brian Lariviere, Andrew Blevings are among the list of talented players on the ONS roster. This isn’t the fastest group in the division but their size and sure handedness will make Wyeth the president of Triple-Slantsylvania.

6. Chronic Pain: This is a team name I associate with as I am getting up in the years and wake up in most days in an alarming amount of pain. Rob Robinson has his two favourite targets in Jonathan Lyristis and snapper Dan Dyck. It’s impossible not to notice Paul Lapierre on the roster. By that I mean it is, literally, impossible for him not to be noticed.  He is a giant man and, another great target for Robinson. Chronic Pain will be a chronic pain in the ass for many teams this season.

7. Incredibles: The Incredibles roster has upgraded, adding up-start Chris Milard and established vet Alex Pilon to an already star-studded team. The concern would be whether or not Greg Stern is up to the challenge. A lot of what he does is timing-based, and in Division 2 the Incredibles receivers cannot expect to get clean releases. I think Stern will adjust, and as such, they make my top 10. One thing we know for certain is that Vince Nardone will complain for flags, and he may even get a few calls to go his way.

8. CLR Forces: This team has some interesting pieces. Guillaume Paquet, Karim Binette, Simon Rivard and Olivier Bourdages will all have roles to play on either side of the ball. However, it is hard to replace the production of Guillaume Ward, who’s 50 catches and 13 touchdowns from last season will surely be missed. CLR Forces will be good but likely won’t be elite.

9. Dan and Co.: If you read the Division 1 portion of the article, it will be clear to you that I’m all about Dan Lazzara. The dude is great! However, despite the awesomely egocentric team name, I think this team will struggle to be elite this season. Now, because I know we all devour sports coverage in binary, let me elaborate. I think they will struggle. That does not mean that I think the team is weak or that I do not think they will have a winning record. They are in my top 10 are they not? Don’t answer: it’s rhetorical and media consumption devices do not have ears. Alex Blanchet and Zack Jauniaux are proven commodities in Division 3. I want to see them perform in Division 2 before I can move this team up the ranks.

10. Gladiateurs: Am I a little low on the Glads? Definitely! This is one of those cases where I can see them competing for a championship or having an uncommonly bad season. François Lebeau can never be discounted and neither can the likes of Alex Nadeau-Piuze, Alex Lever or the rest of the Glads. The team is strong from top to bottom but they seem to be lacking something that I can’t quite define. Let’s see if they can show me up in the first week of action.

     

Teams that Will Break Your Heart

This section is for teams you expected to be in the power rankings but did not make the cut.  this is the group of teams that simply won’t right the course before the end of the season. 

Point are Us: James Floreani showed this summer that he could throw in Division A. He, for a short while, really pushed the Finest. This team has some players who are not familiar names in D1/2 but Jacob Bernett and Jameel Greenidge can ball. So, this seems like a team that will have some mid game heroics but some late game disappointments. They will be solid, but I don’t think they quite have what it takes to be one of the top teams in the division.

Wild Boys: Last winter with a similar roster the Wild Boys went 3-7. I expect a similar result with a plethora of heart breaking losses. Mathieu Rene and Rashawn and Ryan Perry are good enough to keep this team in games but, ultimately, this team will fall short on several occasions.

STL: STL has a lot of talent and played well enough in Division B to warrant some attention in Division 2. Jamie Ojeaha, Guillaume DePalma, Julien McClaren, Justene Edwards, Thierry Gerville is a sold roster to begin with. Having thrown Theo Ojeaha into the mix this team has some firepower. Dylan Taylor will have to rely on his cast to make plays for him because Division B is not quite Division 2. This team will be a fun emotional group to follow throughout the season. Much like all other rollercoasters however, they must come down. This is how I expect a lot of their games to end. That all made more sense in my head. The point is: STL will be fun but will ultimately disappoint.

 

Prove Me Wrong

Consider this an open challenge. These are teams that I think will struggle. Like everyone else in D2, they have a lot of talent. So please, prove me wrong. Go out there and win games because in the end, us media types, we’re just making it up as we go along.

Terror Squad: It’s hard to imagine putting a quarterback with a championship pedigree in this category. That said, that season, Pat Jerome truly was the spark. We look at the team and see some solid pieces such as Jasmin Rioux, Maxime Paterson and Jo Duclair. I just don’t see who Tam Vilaydeth can turn to or who will make the key defensive stop when the game is on the line.

Wolverines: Every time you count Tony Tabet out, he serves to prove you wrong. He’s done it to me on several occasions but, like a glutton for punishment, they find themselves off my top 10 list once again. Eric Kavaldjian and Shane Paquette lead a pack of familiar Wolverines. I think this group has already begun to show their age and need to add some star power. For the moment, however, I issue the challenge to the Wolve-Tan-Clan. Go ahead and win with this group!

 

I Just Don’t See It

Braves: Having made their FPF debut in the midnight tournament, Terrebonne’s finest are set to start their first FPF season. They have a lot of talent but when I saw them play in the tournament, they struck me as a Division 3 team with upside. As much upside as they do have, I do not think they are quite ready for Division 2.

Usual Suspects: Does this team have talent? That’s like asking if this team has Jonathan Grizzly, Hinsley Adams and Sean Kennedy. In the past the issues regarding the Usual Suspects have been roster inconsistency, something we will need to track throughout the season, and quarterback play. The team lists Michael Roy and Rick Nincheri on the roster. I’m sure by now you’ve heard the expression “If you have two quarterbacks, you really have no quarterbacks.” I hope for their sake that expression won’t apply to their case.

 

Teams That May Surprise Us

These teams are imperfect but, much like a fish-top mermaid, they have the parts that may just surprise us.

Grip N Rip: I almost ranked them in the top 10. I went back and forth on the idea, argued with Simon Dagenais, my disinterested neighbour and a fairly incompetent Bell Canada agent.  Vinny Gualano has steadily improved as a quarterback and has done so without much difficulty.  That said, here comes difficulty. Jamal Gittens, Jason Prince and Jordan Allard are just some of the players that Gualano will need to rely on to be successful. I like this group and while I think they will have their challenging moments, GNR may surprise us by season’s end.

#NR: Adding Corey Pecker was a bold move by the #NR top brass. This is a decent roster as it boasts Jeremy Anderson, Kendall Mayers and the speedy brothers Moses. Pecker is an established top tier quarterback and this team has had quarterbacks who can throw in the past.  There is upside here and a team that has always played an upper division style (fast and physical) even in the lower divisions. This new configuration just may work.

 

I Legit, Straight Up, Don’t Know Who You Are

EMPS: Eleven Machine Porcupine Saviours? Eastern Medicine Professional Statues? The plural form for Electro Magnetic Pulse? I have no idea what this team name means. The team name is as mysterious as the team itself. They are a group of players who, while new to FPF, have a tackle pedigree and were drawn to FPF for its competition. Kudos to them.  Guys, welcome to the league. If you see me at the fields please feel free to introduce yourselves. Let the league learn who you are. Entertainment Merchants and Purchasers Society? I guess at some point I’ll learn what it means; until then I’ll keep guessing.

 

Hung-over Visions of the World of Tomorrow

Each week, I will pick games against fellow FPF staff member Simon Dagenais. At times we may include Terry Tam or even one of you as a guest prognosticator to prove that this job can pretty much be done by anyone and that we don’t know what will happen week-in and week-out.  However, my dominance over Simon will prove once and for all that Simon’s picking game is as week as it is when picking girls up on thirsty Thursdays. 

Division 1	Peeze	Simon
Loonatics vs. Flag Moi L’Sac	Loonatics	Flag Moi L’Sac
Montreal’s Finest vs. D-Boys	D-Boys	D-Boys
DK vs. Got-Skills	DK	DK
Rainmakers vs. Waste Yout	Waste Yout	Waste Yout

 

Division 2	Peeze	Simon
EMPS vs. Wolverines	Wolverines	Wolverines
Wild Boys vs. Dan & Co.	Wild Boys	Dan and Co.
STL vs. Clockwork	Clockwork	STL
Points R Us. Vs. Incredibles	Incredibles	Incredibles
Monstars vs. Grip n’ Rip	Monstars	Monstars
Braves vs. Usual Suspects	Braves	Braves
ONS vs. Chronic Pain	ONS	Chronic Pain
Terror Squad vs. #NR	#NR	Terror Squad
Served With Ice vs. CLR Forces	Served With Ice	Served with Ice
Gladiateurs vs. Chernobyl	Chernobyl	Chernobyl

 

Friday’s Furry Furlough

With that my preseason analysis is done. I managed to write a bit without any information at my disposal. At this point in the season, rosters are posted on the site but incorrectly, teams have yet to perform or underperform and every team has yet to unveil their secret weapon. Thus, it makes a lot of my predictions pointless. Nonetheless, for some of you it has given you reason to pound your chest. For others I will serve as bulletin board material. Either way, have a good time, and I will console myself knowing I made your lunch/bathroom/pretend-to-be-working breaks all the more enjoyable.

For further analysis, tune in to the official FPF Division 1/2 podcast Calling the Audible where Simon Dagenais and Terry Tam compare Nic Flair to Ted Cruz, discuss the lost art of the Sears catalogue, the longest lasting and best tasting Christmas cookie now a week out of its prime, none of the previous topics and a breakdown of the first week of action. Stay tuned for information about when and where you can watch it. Until then if you have any questions, comments or demands you can reach me on Twitter @PeezeFPF (as I am on most social media) or by messaging me on FaceBook @Peeze Della Reeze. I’m also an avid poster/moderator on the FPF group page.

Have a great and safe first week of action. See you at the fields!