Film, Literature and Teams on the Bubble

Peeze’s Playbook

Week 11

by Paolo Della Rocca

 

Over the years I have volunteered to cover Division 6 and 6D.  The reason is, I truly love the communal aspect.  The returning teams trying to sort they way through the mess of familiar faces that have tinkered improvements as well as new unknowns looking to make a name for themselves.  

There is a level of excitement in the lowest divisions that is unmatched. It isn’t a perfect product as at times the ball floats through the air like the diabetic embodiment of a scoop of ice cream floating atop a chilled glass of root beer.  Imagine that for each time a Root Beer Float was ordered it was haphazardly thrown by a pinstriped ice cream merchant (it didn’t have to be a visual from the 1950’s but I preferred it that way).  Once in a while the float was delivered to the children whom the treat was prepared for.  They smile and enjoy the sugary slurps of the will-be sepia-stained memories that they will look fondly back upon as the overwhelming weight of the pressures of adulthood slowly push the joys of childhood from their consciousness.  

Sometimes however in this strained metaphor, the float never reaches the tastebuds of the waiting chid but instead is stolen by a waiting adult who, perhaps overcome by the stress of the aforementioned pressures intercepts the treat and laughs at the child who’s life will now be void of the memory of this should-be simple and joyous exchange.  Now a third scenario occurs in division 6 and 6D where the pin-striped and suspender adorning merchant (yup, I added suspenders) takes the root beer float and while trying to hand it to the child allows it to fall out of his hand while as the same gravity that pulls the plastic cup toward the awaiting pavement in anticipation of crushing it with the force of mass and acceleration, pulls the child’s smile into the contrasting facial manipulation known as a frown.

Yes, we all know, Division 6 and 6D doesn’t have the prettiest football.  However, the passion that teams play with is like no other.  The celebrations, the excitement and the complaints are akin to teams competing for the Super Bowl on nearly every play of every game. Often, said passion originates with the pairing of two teams who are very familiar with each other.  

One such familiar case is Dirty Landry and the Vultures. Dirty Landry features the brother’s  Keiller who’s life work will probably have far less staying power than the brother’s Grimm but then again, at least their names will likely not be smeared across the a crude commercialization of their product in the form of a formulaic, network television show.  If such a thing were to occur I think I’d like to see them as a pair of time travellers who need to pump gas very precisely as the field that indicates the payment due corresponded to the specific year that the brothers would travel too.  It’s a clumsy storytelling mechanic but imagine how difficult it would be for Myles and Brandon Keiller to return to their time of origin because those damn pumps never stop when you wan them to.  Instead they could more easily return to the year of Avery Lalla’s birth than arrive on time for their game. 

Perhaps had they arrived on time for their quarterback’s birth, they could have provided insight that would have helped him put up a stat line that was more effective than 3 touchdowns and an interception against a surging Vultures team that has now beaten highly the highly seeded Hot Sauce Sports and Dirty Landry in back to back weeks after their 38-19 win in week 10.  Owen Bujarsky threw for 6 touchdowns and Anthony Drysdale simply could not be stopped as he took three of those passes in on his own.  Perhaps the only thing that went wrong for Vultures on that night was that they allowed a touchdown to Jeoffrey Hamman who’s namesake is shared with the despised King Joffrey of Game of Thrones fame.  An unfortunate name that could have been avoided with the use of time travel.  I guess, what I’m saying is, I would totally watch that show.

Two teams that have entered the fray recently but are starting to become more and more recognizable to us are Brewers and The Trailer Park Boys.  Brewmaster Jefferey Lefebvre (not to be confused with Jeoffrey who’s name should be stricken from the FPF history books) has mixed his ingredients well for much of the season.  I had thought the Brewers would be scraping the bottom of the brew pot in the Winter 2019 season.  Instead they have been a bubbling, steaming brew that will hopefully have a postseason to ferment.  Then again, if the season ends prematurely captain Chris Morin will need to keep this recipe hidden from light in a carboy as the beverage slowly matured into a drinkable glass of suds in the months too come.  Perhaps the issue was that the alcohol content was very high.

The first time I drank a bottle of Dog Fish Head 120 Minute IPA I was astounded by two things.  Firstly the price for a single 12 oz. bottle was 15$.  Secondly, I noticed that the alcohol content inscribed on the label (fine it was printed… stop sweating the details) read 15-20%.  I was shocked and then learned that due to the instability of the yeast with such an elevated ABV content (alcohol by volume) there was a loss rate attributed to making such a beer that caused the price to inflate somewhat.  

The loss rate for Brewers is now two in a row.  They did not compete against BBallers in week 9 and despite Erik Pawlusiak’s6 catch 96 yard and a touchdown performance, Brewers would end their FPF week with a 23-20 loss.  Conversion rate was as important in this game as it is in the conversion of sugar to alcohol as Antoine Meunier who threw two touchdowns and ran another in scored as many touchdowns as they opponents but ended with a single score victory.  Matt Leblanc scored a receiving touchdown as well and it helped keep the Trailer Park Boys in contention for a promotion into division 6 as they hope a happy ending will befall them.  Such an ending is often not the case for the characters for the television show for which the team is named but unless the season really goes sideways I don’t imagine any of the Trailer Park Boys FPF team will be arrested for any drug related crime.  

Vick in Box and Replacements had a matchup of familiarity as well this past week.  The two teams are familiar for a few reasons.  Not least of which is that the team name Replacements is one that has recurred in FPF history.  Luckily the previous teams are not litigious.  I can imagine Frank Teoli-Colatrella appearing in court trying to settle the dispute on the creative property.  The dude likely looks good in a suit but yet, due to the team name I can imagine if he instead were replaced by Keeanu Reeves who starred in the movie of the same name.  His appearance in court of course would have been bolstered by his experience in The Devil’s Advocate.  I do apologize, the idea of Keeanu Reeves often has me spiralling.  Like now, all I can think of is if Ubisoft would ever set a Assasin’s Creed game in the Bill and Ted’s universe.  Ezio’s Excellent Adventure and the corresponding DLC (Ezio’s Bogus Journey) would definitely fly off the shelves at an unprecedented rate.

In any case, Frank Teoli-Colatrella would likely have wanted to replace himself with Keeanu in this game.  HIs ten completions barely cracked double digits and he only manage to muster two scores.  Mathieu Boucher scored on the only two touchdown passes carried over the goalie by the blue and gold.  Conversely,  Matthew Pisaturo swallowed the red pill and showed the Replacements how deep the rabbit whole went.

Pisaturo’s eight touchdowns came just on time as the white rabbit undoubtedly began to question whether or not he had the ability to lead his team in the post season.  Timin in the end is everything in the case of hallucinogenic children’s adventures, football and writing.  Imagine Lewis Carroll attempted to write Alice in Wonderland today.  The Whit Rabbit would have instead that Alice was running late to which she would have starkly responded “MF, I have a phone I know what time it is.”  Notice that the original character had no access to a watch or a phone (which is now used more frequently as a timepiece than a voice based communication device anyway).  

If the story took place today Alice would have constantly stopped throughout the story to take  scantily clad selfies and bizarrely contort her face into duck form to ensure that everyone in Insta-land was jealous of the carefully crafted social media representation of her life that she curated.  I’m not shaming her at all; I believe she’s free to appear as a sexualized waterfowl if that’s how she identifies. Bufflehead not withstanding, the story likely would never take place as a helicopter parent would have tracked her down with the secretly installed spyware indicated that she was causing all that trouble for that sweet Queen of Hearts.

Vick in a Box have caused trouble for many teams in this season.  Craig Browning scored three times and that matched the scoring output of on-again-off-again teammate Jordan McInnis who now, along with Max Burah has played 5 games and is playoff eligible.  This means that as long as either player is available to play in the playoffs they’ll be tough to manage.

Los Siete Amigos took on Potatoes in a battle of two teams near the top of the standings in division 6D (or thereabouts).   Alexandre Fafard played the role of the heroic and handsome protagonist in a telenovela only suitable for an FPF audience.  Felix D’Aoust was in disguise as he portrayed an offensive player who caught three passes in this game.  Meanwhile unbeknownst to the version of him quarterbacks have come to know as his own evil twin and elite pass rusher D’Aoust recorded his 19th sack of the season on developing quarterback Samuel Lamothe.  

Lamothe would not be left out of the drama as he fought back with all his will and managed to score three times and avoid turnovers.  Twice the strikes went to Billy Kourtoglou who has earned a greater role on the offense as he was playing the role of the Lon lost member of the offense earlier in this acclaimed telenovela. Still, Los Siete Amigos were not to be outdone  for the hearts of their shared love (the hopes of an FPF championship ) and they would go on to win  26-21.  

Familiar teams squared off in week 10.  Week 11 hopes to inspire as much intrigue with much riding on the lines for the teams who’s playoff hopes remain in tact.       

Teams on The Bubble

This week I wanted to focus on teams on the bubble.  There’s a lot of games that have a lot of significance.  The teams involved are heavily involved with regards to who will fill out the remainder of the playoff bracket.  We had a graphic prepared and posted it on Facebook as well as covered it on Calling the Audible.  However, knowing that everyone consumes media differently I decided to bring attention to these teams as well as break down the scenarios in greater detail.

Division 6

Conference A

N.W.O.- NWO seem to always be in this situation.  A strong team that finds themselves in the middle of the pack.  To be honest, this year’s version finds themselves in a fairly good position. They play Scranton Stranglers in the final week of the season and are in control of their own destiny. The Strangler’s have lost 3 of their last 4 and N.W.O. is an experienced team that will give the Strangler’s a tough time.  N.W.O have relied too heavily on Pietro Mignacca and Stephen Terelli.  Their 75 combined catches lead the team and there isn’t anyone who’s risen as a legitimate threat.  No one else on the team averages more than two catches a game. In addition to winning N.W.O. can get a in with a loss by Green Monster or two losses form Sharknado.  

Green Monster- Green Monster can clinch a playoff seed if they beat Vultures and get a loss by Sharknado (provided they allow less points than Sharknado). Green Monster haven’t won since week 7.  The fact that they still have a chance at the post season is simply wild. They play Vultures in week 11 and that isn’t great for GM. Patrick Jazon is a great utility knife for this group. On both sides of the ball he is dangerous but the team runs entirely through him.  A guy who’s starting to get more involved is Jesse Dumeignil.  His ability to cut and his raw speed make him a difficult matchup for everyone.  The worry is that they face a team with a lot of quickness.  Either way quarterback Alexandre Nadeau would be well served to protect the ball as points against may be very important. At the moment Green Monster has allowed 196 yards while Sharknado has allowed 176 but has an extra game remaining to play.

Sharknado- A tight loss to Hot Sauce Sports makes their chance at a playoff berth difficult.  They technically control their own destiny but have the difficulty of having 2 games ahead. That’s worrisome for a team that has only won 3 games to date.  They play the Replacements who will be eager to play spoilers and Warriors who are one of the best teams in the division in this week.  Winning both would guarantee a spot.  The first game is key as I don’t see a scenario where Sharknado can compete against Warriors.  They added Kevin Marcil to the roster this week who completely changes the defense.  The key will rest on the shoulders of Sebastien Blanchette.  His penchant for throwing deep balls into coverage needs to be kept in check.  If he plays in control we’ll see Sharknado in the playoffs.

 

Conference B

Fat Diablos: For the portly devils, all that is required is a win.  They have a play-in game against The Pack.  This is the type of drama we’ve come to love and expect.  A surprise tie against Dirty Landry, a forfeit win, and another win against favourites Scranton Stranglers have put them in position to clinch a playoff seed.  Michel Deguire needs to be composed and simply take what the defense gives him.  Francois Martin has surprisingly emerged as the team’s primary receiving option along with Phil Aussant.  Perhaps, what they need in this game is one of the team’s other options to have a big game and push the Fat Diablos to victory.

The Pack: Conversely, it is also win and you’re in for The Pack.  Daniel Krebs has looked for Ryan Lefcort have been the single dimensional 1-2 punch that we’ve seen from jump-street.  Corey Laxer and Andrew April have been great teammates and accepted their roll on the offense. Interestingly, They’ve scored about as many touchdowns despite the bug of touches going to Lefcort.   Fat Diablos are a smart team however, luckily for The Pack Fat Diablos may not have the personnel to deal with what has been an efficient but predictable attack.

 

Division 6D

 

Conference A

The Real Bros of Simi Valley: A week after playing self-saboteurs and losing to BDR in a game that could have clinched a playoff spot for them, the Real Bros somehow remain in a decent position.  Simply put, if they win, they’re in!   They can also lose this final game against South Shore Seamen and still earn a playoff berth with a loss by either BDR or Past our Primetime.  The head to head win against Past our Primetime 2 weeks ago has put them in this position. The move to Ryan Shapiro at quarterback has helped a lot and I don’t see SSS being able to deal with his intelligence and ability to pick a defense apart. He and Evan Leibringer as well as Zachary Recine have proven to be ball hawks as well as the the three of them have combined for 11 interceptions.  The Real Bros have a real chance of making the post season.

Past Our Primetime: On the surface, Past our Primetime have a great opportunity.  If they win, their in the playoffs.  However, they face the behemoth BBallers to end the season.   Emile Janda needs to protect the ball and keep the Ballers offence off the field.  This will be a tough task as Janda has thrown 16 interceptions this season.  Losing 4 straight games has put them in a position where they will likely not recover from.  The last two losses came to Real Bros of Simi Valley and Chocolate Barracudas which has all but paralyzed their chances.

Dirty Birds: Yeahhhhhh I know; I haven’t mentioned the Dirty Birds much this season.  To be fair, they haven’t given us a ton to talk about this season. It seems as though the last time they were relevant when they shocked the Division 6D world by tying Bud Knights a few weeks ago.  Leo Augoustis has been the main threat for Dirty Birds.  His 312 yards represents 40% of the team’s passing offense.  They play against Potatoes this week and that won’t be a small task.  Luckily, there’s a way for Dirty Birds to get in without a win.  If BDR and Past our Primetime both lose Dirty Birds will flock to the post season.

BDR: These guys and I have a frenemy type relationship.  Armando Trotta has been a long term troll/stalker of mine.  The dude has been spotted in my yard more often than he’s been seen on a stat sheet.  BDR needs help.  Firstly, they need to win their last tow games.  Secondly the need a loss from Past our Primetime.  They have some challenges ahead as beating Bud Knights and Macdo won’t be an a given. Macdo in particular still has something to play for as they likely want to compete for the Division 6 Championship. Vince Romano’s return at quarterback has allowed Jordan Farray to resume his role as the team’s most dangerous threat.  However, Romano will need to be perfect for BDR to even have a chance at a championship.

 

Conference B

DGC: What a fall from grace!  Let’s not make it biblical however, let’s imagine a clumsy mother named Grace was unable to hold her children.  Then, due to her clumsiness DGC took a big fall.  In the preseason, DGC were ranked as one of my favourites to get promoted to the Division 6 playoff.  However, whether it’s been Sean Martin’s inability to learn or more likely, Foti Evangelista’s inability to properly communicate, DGC remain at the bottom of the ranking struggling to hold on to a playoff seed.  If they win, they’re in!  I’ve written that too many times but hey… it’s playoff time.  If they can’t beat Llamas Pyjamas however they will need losses by Rosedale Renovations and Chocolate Barracudas.

Rosedale Renovations: Man did they get screwed!  Their last three games are a murderer’s row. Macdo and Llamas Pyjamas both beat Rosedale down pretty bad. However, a win and a loss from Chocolate Barracudas will lock up a playoff spot.  Otherwise a win and a loss from both teams will give them a playoff berth as well.  Azeem Bailey is a single threat quarterback at this point.  He can be devastating on the ground.  As a passer, he’s got. A lot of learning to do.  He has only 2 more touchdowns than interceptions and that simply won’t be good enough.  Aaron Ownby has contributed greatly on an offense that has been problematic.  They need some help but they are still alive.

Chocolate Barracudas: The Chocolate Barracudas have had a strange season.  Lesson Pierre learned the humbling lesson we all do in FPF.  Playing Quarterback is HARD!  Sonny Elias has joined the team and improved them greatly.  Lesson Pierre’s 6 catches for 69 yards and a touchdown show that this is how he his best used on the field.  Elias led the Barracudas to a 19-18 win over Past our Primetime last week.  They are now in a spot where they need to beat Fightin’ Tigers and then hope DGC losses their final game.  There is a chance but the road isn’t the easiest.

Saturday’s Swinging Slate

I tried something new this week.  If you liked the idea let me know and I’ll flesh it out in the future.  If you hated it let me know so I can ignore you.  Either way, I tried to entertain as well as inform.  In any case, I’m rather easy to reach as I’m Peeze Della Reeze on facebook or you can tweet me @peezefpf.  If you like long form better I can be reached at [email protected]. 

For further analysis, tune in to the official FPF podcast Calling the Audible, where Moe Khan Simon Dagenais and I work to annoy each other  as we discuss how to the difficulty when ordering sub-sandwiches, returning home and why swimming is banned in 4 cities that you’ve never heard of!

Tune in to Facebook live on the FPF Facebook page on Thursday nights at 7:00pm, watch it later on www.youtube.com/flagplus or download the podcast on iTunes or Podomatic!

Thank you all, falettinme be mice elf agin.